Which Sex and the City Character Am I?

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, or Samantha? Which Sex and the City Character am I and why am I asking this question? It all started when my former roommate started recording old episodes of Sex and the City. This was a show at a fairly young age that I came across on HBO and always hear rave reviews about. It scared me away when I stumble upon an episode where a man was going down on Samantha. This show is NOT appropriate for me I remember thinking, so never was I to return, until now. So, my former roommate started DVRing it and a few episodes later I was hooked. NOW my guilty pleasure is reruns of Sex and the City. I come home each day and first thing is I look at the DVR to see if any shows recorded. Sometimes it's a just a few in a day, sometimes it several.

So why am I so addicted to Sex and the City? Because it is SO relatable. I feel like every one of the characters has some characteristic that I possess. When I watch Sex in the City I don't feel SO alone in the dating world and my quest for love.

So the question today is...which character is MOST like me? Naturally you want to lean towards Carrie, since we share the same name and everything, and since she's a writer and well I kind of am too. BUT I studied PR just like Samantha, although I do not share the sex-crazed quality that Samantha has which allows her to put her feelings aside and have SO MUCH casual sex. I think we can also tell I want to be monogamous, unlike Samantha.

Then there is Charlotte's, who dream is obviously is to get married and to have a family and a baby and the whole white-picked-fence fantasy. She just wants to be married and be in love and she does whatever it takes to make that happen. This, yes, this is very much me.

Miranda, she is very stubborn and independent...which are definitely qualities I have...

In the end...all the characters want to be loved, adored and appreciated and all of them have their strengths and weaknesses.

The show really shows women and their vulnerabilities and that not all women get that happily-ever-after fairy tale instantly. Maybe I will be in my 30's when I find that "IT" relationship.

Sex in the City will remain close to my heart because with it in my life I know I'm not alone. Even though the show is fiction it was still written by real people who probably had their hearts thrown around just like Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. No I can't pick just one character, because there is a little of each in me and I think that exactly the way the writers wanted it to be.

I may not be an amazing columnist like Carrie, but I write from my heart and I don't hold anything back and I don't try to be something I'm not. That's all I can give you and I hope you all can appreciate it. Let's all live life and have lots of "Sex in the City."

If You're Going to Be Rejected

If you're going to be rejected might as well be by the best. I was listening to a podcast by Lauren Mackler and one of her guest said something along the lines of this and it really inspired me. She had an amazing point. I plan on fully using this advice. The only trouble I am having is I can't figure out what the heck I want to do. So I don't know who I want to be rejected by.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do and how I want to do it. I feel so lost right now. I'm even struggling to write anymore. Writing used to flow through my fingertips like water. Now it's like everything is all so jumbled up bouncing around in my head.

I'm not where I want to be and I know this, but I haven't the slightest clue where to get where I want to be. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of confusion and dismay.

I just need to find my confidence, my niche, my direction and just start going. I need a break. I need to pick something to possibly fail at.

Nobody Warned Me

Nobody warned me that life would be this tough, nobody. I thought this was the land of opportunity, but here I am a college graduate struggling to survive. I worked my ass off working and going through school in hopes that I would land that full-time job and financial security. Here I am with a part-time job that isn't covering the bill.

So here I am faced with change, change that I don't like. I like my home. I like living on my own. I like it here. I don't want to leave, but I might have too. :( What to do, what to do??? Somehow I thought life would be easy and that everything would just fall into place, but it hasn't so far and so I'm stuck struggling.

I know I'm worth something. I know I have potential. I just don't know how to fulfill that potential. I wish someone would just make a road map for me. A road map to success.

I guess that's my job as well. Hm... I know I'll figure things out. Success is my only option. Success is my only option. I will make it. Must stay determined. Must stay focused.

Explaining title........

So I never really explained the title to my blog and I thought since I feel like writing and I can't seem to collect and organize my current emotions well enough to put them together to produce and insightful blog that I would go in this direction.

The Girl Who Fell Too Much, well for me it's pretty self explanatory. Let's just say that I tend to learn the hard way, which isn't always fun--just like falling, it's hurts and sometimes it's takes a while to pick yourself back up.

I have made my share of mistakes... Little downfalls, but usually ones that hold be back in some way. I can't say that anything has really been all that dramatic. It's not like BIG disaster has happened in my life, just little hiccups. I would equate it to a toddler trying to learn to walk, they get up, fall down, get up, fall down, and because they fall so much they don't get very far very fast. That's how I feel a lot of the time.

Then there's the classic fall for a guy....which I have also found myself doing one or two times. Then I always end up once again disappointed and well that sucks. Being hopeful and an optimist I can't help but want to see the best in people... I want to love unconditionally and I want the same in return, in the process I tend to disregard classic "red flags."

But that's just me and that's who I am. I can't help it as much as I try. Yeah, I get hurt sometimes, but I'm able to get back up from it and at least I can say that I tried. I can't help but want to see the best in everyone. Maybe it's the challenge I like, the problem solving.

So I fall and fall again. Maybe I will fall into something great. For now... I just dust myself off and just keep going.

Love Should Grow Like a Plant Not be Hunted Like An Animal

So I don't mind that people show off their things on Facebook--I do the same thing. I'm doing my usually Facebook browsing when I notice an old friend who I know who has been doing quite a bit of internet dating post that a "someone special" surprised her at lunch when she came home and found a dozen of long-stem red roses on her kitchen table.

Yes, a dozen red roses sounds oh-so-romantic and sweet and thoughtful. But why? I know that she has not known this guy for long. Why does he need to give her red roses? Doesn't it seem like he's trying really hard to turn on the charm? Like he's trying really hard to win her over? Should a guy NEED to give a girl a dozen roses to win her over? I vote no.

I've met my share of guys and from my experience I know to be wary of those certain guys that text "Good Morning Gorgeous" the first two weeks you know them. The ones that tell you how beautiful and sexy you are. The ones that do and say the things that make you tingle all over and your heart flutter out of your chest. Oh they win you over all right. They suck you in until you're too far gone smitten by their intoxicating wit and charm.

They are your magical prince--just like in the movies. Wouldn't this be a lovely story to tell my grand children of how their grand father and I met? It's all happy, until it's isn't. Slowly those "Good morning beautifuls" become less and less, until you are lucky if you get one phone call in a day or even one text. The NEED to win you over is no longer there.

Men have instinct in them from way back in the caveman days to hunt and chase. It's their nature. If they have nothing to chase then they lose their purpose. Slowly they lose interest. They may still find use in you--like after hunting animals it is proper to not let any piece go to waste. That would be ungrateful to the Gods and Natives American's may say. But what do they do when that animals is almost used up? They find something else to hunt. They may use the same tactics they used in their hunting before i.e. a dozen roses, sometimes others thing depending on the situation and what lures the animals. Every hunter/man has a set of tactics that he uses to capture us. By now us as women should be able to distinguish some of these well-use tools, sweet nothings in your ears, back massages, dinner, red roses, etc.

I don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer," but I have had too many disappointments and things end badly to not play it safe. I've been cautious before and STILL fallen into men's traps. When you are hesitant and wary they will see it and they will work even harder being extra charming. All it takes is a few weeks of extreme charm and you are hooked. But not that's not for me...Thia scenario will only bring short-term joy.

Personally, I would like my fondness of a man to be gradually. I want to be more like a plant where it starts as a small seed planted and slowly grows and blooms. The plant, unlike the animals is more sure and reliable. A plant can last and withstand time. It can flourish and continue to produce fruit year after year after year. Unlike the beast that the man hunts will only satisfy for so long until they need to hunt again.

Slowly and steady... No extreme tactics needed just a little attention and care. That's what a good relationship should consist of. The thrill of the hunt is exciting, but there's nothing wrong with a certainty of something just as good for you. That will provide for you and make you healthy and well. I think this all makes sense.... Love should be like a plant, something you grow slowly and pay attention to and have faith in. It should nourish a whole life through.

Being a Quitter is Not Always a Bad Thing

Quitter, it has such a negative connotation. No one wants to be a quitter, right? Wrong! There are many perfect examples of quitting being a positive thing; quitting smoking, quitting drugs, quitting alcohol, quitting an abusive relationship and lastly quitting doing something you hate. All these action of quitting are not bad and therefore neither is quitting.

So somehow throughout history society dubbed this action negative, instilling a fear in the hearts of many people NOT to quit anything. Take for instant quitting a relationship that is detrimental. You can't just give in the minute thing turn sour, no, you will be a quitter. People will think that you didn't try hard enough, you didn't care enough, or you just didn't love that person enough. It makes you feel horrible about yourself, makes you feel weak and inferior. But why? Why if something is not right in your heart should you have to feel so much shame? Because society has created this idea that you should.

This is NOT to say that it is acceptable to just give up whenever the going gets tough, because something are worth working for. But if there is that little voice in the back of your mind telling you this is not right for me, well you should follow it, regardless of what everyone else might think. After all, it should be about how you feel and not how other people see you. Like the great Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The only person that can control your happiness is you and no one can tell you what you should want and what SHOULD make you happy. They can never be inside you mind and they may never understand how you feel. They might try, but no one can truly comprehend your passions and your desires, but they can learn to just accept you for who you are what's in your heart. You should not feel ashamed for wanting more and never settling for less than you deserve. Some may call you ungrateful, but I just call it smart and ambitious.

So what about quitting a job--something that can be a means of support? What should you do then? Should you risk being poor for the sake of your own sanity and well being. Maybe, you can replace a job, but can't go back undo the misery that you endured doing something that you no longer loved. Especially when you work so hard to be unappreciated and taken for granted. "No! This place is not for you," Dr. Seuss, Oh! The Places You Go. People tell you not to quit--quitting is bad. But think about it? You have to quit doing something in order to do something else. How can you do something you love when your busy doing something you hate? It only seems logical, that as hard as it may be to do, quitting might be the better option. Quitting will make you free to do bigger and better things. Things you DON'T want to quit. Quitting may just be the only way to find out your true potential.

Blessing With a Mask

So I got suspended for the restaurant today, which basically means that I'm fired, at least I'm pretty sure I am. I know that's kind of a negative way of looking at it, but to me it's the most realistic. I am a little bummer and definitely a little worried about how I'll be managing to pay the bills, because my other part-time job is not going to cut it. But I have to remain hopeful and positive that bigger and better thing will come. I have more potential than I am fulfilling. I need to find a way to harness my potential.

Tonight I've been a little confused on how I should feel. I have gone through a wave of emotions. To be honest I'm excited a little bit. Without working at the restaurant I will be able to do things I never get to do. Like going to Mother's Day and being able to stay the whole day. I might even get to see the fireworks on 4th of July! I'm SO excited about that--you don't even know.

There are so many things in life that I have been missing out on because I always have to work. Little things that other people with 9-5 jobs might take for granted. So I know that this firing is a blessing. I don't know what I'm going to do yet with my life, but I hope that something will lead me through the right path.

Life has thrown me some twist in life and I'm trying so hard to take them and roll with the punches. No matter what... I will find love and success.

I Have a Business Idea

Hm... I have this business idea and I think that it's a good one. It wouldn't hurt to try it. I think I should pursue it. It's going to take a little work, but I think it may pay off. I will elaborate later. Just wanted to write this as a reminder to pursue it. :)

Wouldn't it be nice?

This post has been deleted.

The American Dream--Why is it so hard???

This blog have been removed due to technical difficulty. Sorry for the inconvinence.

Out With the Old, in With the New

Attempting to refresh my life in as many ways as possible; spring cleaning, I will refer to it as. Out with the old, in with the new. This is going to be a complete and total revamp of everything in my life. It has started with a new phone, the iPhone 4 of course. I say go big or go home. I also started cleaning out my closet, which was getting a wee bit cluttered and we all know clutter gives me anxiety. Today after work I went on a huge cleaning spree throughout the apartment. Even though I was feeling tired after each task I manage to find a new task that HAD to be done. I think I did a pretty thorough job, but I'm sure I could probably find some other job to quest upon.

What's next, new wardrobe, new car? Only time will tell what new and exciting things I will throw into my life. I'm not sure why, but all this spring cleaning is so refreshing and stress relieving and it's making me feel really good in some strange way.

I feel like a change of scenery would also be a nice addition to my life-changing transformation. A well-needed vacation shall be planned soon, very soon. Seriously considering going south to visit Melissa. The beach would definitely be salvation as well. Either way I'm going to go somewhere.

This "cleaning" I speak of isn't just about the outside. It's not about material things or monetary value. It's about making a new chapter in my life. It's also about sprucing up my attitude. It seemed to take a turn for the worse immediately prior to my big 2-6. I don't know what it was, but it was like time slapped me right in the face. The number 26 flashed in my head--you're getting old, you're almost 30!

My ego was whispering in my ear, why aren't you in a relationship, why aren't you getting married soon, you need to have kids a.s.a.p.! It was telling me that time was running out and that it's either now or never. Then I was thinking if I haven't found someone right for me by 26 there must be something wrong with me, right? Yeah, I've set goals and time limits for myself... The fact is I hardly ever made my time-limit goals, but I have ALWAYS ALWAYS accomplished my goals and there is no reason why I can't accomplish my others.

The fact is, there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect just the way I am. Being an advocate and preacher of the law of attraction I don't know why in the world I was choosing to focus on all the things I do NOT have and ALL the things I have NOT accomplished. Nothing good will ever come from focusing on the lack-of.

Look at me. I am beautiful. For a second tonight I put myself in a 40 year old's body, myself of course and I looked at myself and said when I'm 40 I'm going to look back and think I was so skinny, I was so beautiful, why couldn't I see it then--if I only knew.

Now is the time to live, now is the time to be free and now is the time to live life just the way it is. It's okay to get older because "you can't move forward into the past." --Facebook Fortune Cookie. I want to accomplish goals, but I don't want to age. Now how is that going to work?

It's hard being strong sometimes. It's hard not knowing how much control I need to take rein over my life.

I think this concept is describe well by a dream I had last night. I was on a farm and there was horse riding and the people were trying to show me how to ride and I told them that I've been on a horse several times before. I know what I'm doing, yet they still guided me by pulling the horse with this contraption. I was kind of irritated because I wanted to ride, but I guess it was nice for someone to guide the way for me. So I suppose the moral of the dream is... that even if you know the way it's okay to let someone else guide you, because you might be pleasantly surprised about where you end up.

So this blog totally took a huge tangent, but I think I said what I needed to say. So all is well.
The point is getting rid of the old shitty attitude is refreshing and having a cleaning neat, clutter-free place is quite nice, as well. :) All this remodeling is going to make me tired, speaking of I'm exhausted... I think it will be for the better and telling myself that I CAN keep it up. I have so much and there's so much more to be had, if I only ask for it. Thank you all for reading and goodnight.

It's Only Up From Here

Usually, metaphorically to go down is a negative thing. There's the old saying, "digging a hole for myself," or "digging a hole you can't get out of." Also, down is associated with hell, which is very very bad. Then some say "It can only go up from here." So going up is a good thing right? Climbing the corporate latter or higher man on the totem pole--all good things. Then why is it when you age goes up it's a bad thing? Well, at least it's a bad thing after you've hit all the landmarks such as; sweet sixteen, 18 adult, 21 drinking age, 25 quarter of a century. After that it's so scary!!!

I don't know why, but this birthday is making me feel sooo.... depressed and I know I shouldn't be. I know that my life is good and that I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. I'm healthy. I don't struggle to pay the bill. I'm able to live a comfortable life and I don't really have too much to worry about. But still, something is missing.

I think we all know from my post what that missing thing is, intimate love. I can't exactly tell you why I want it so bad, but I do and it's been something that I always have. I've always dreamed of being with my dream man ever since I was a little girl.

Lately, I've had two wedding proposal dreams, so marriage is definitely on the mind, even though I feel like I'm not even close to achieving it. I even had a dream I was getting married, which is a first. I've had baby dreams way before I had marriage dreams.

Marriage, I don't want to just jump into it. In the last month I've found out that two my girlfriends got or is getting a divorce and that is just SO crazy to me. I guess it's good that I'm really taking my time to find the absolute right guy, because I want him to stick. Forever and ever!!!

Like I like to say, "Success is my only option." I believe that good things are going to happen in my life. I think that love is going to happen soon--very soon. I think that I'm going to keep a positive attitude and keep reaching for my goals.

I am more than capable of making things happen in my life and I will accomplish my goals. There is no doubt in my mind that with perseverance and determination that I can do anything I want to do. I believe in me.

Love Isn't Clean Like That

I wrote this last year in my drama class and it was one I really enjoyed writing and one of my favorite pieces. It's about the play The Clean House. I think the course of the play is pretty well explain in the writing. If you are confused... Wikipedia it. Thanks...Enjoy!!!

Love, everyone wants it, but few actually understand what it is and what it takes to obtain and maintain it. It’s quite sad that this powerful thing called love is so misused and misunderstood. It is one of those things that is subjective and open to interpretation, much like jokes. In the play The Clean House the characters show that love is not always easy and it does not always come without a price. “Love isn’t clean like that. It’s dirty. Like a good joke,” Matilde, Lane’s maid says. Sometimes jokes offend people and when that occurs they usually are not regarded as funny. Sometimes in love people get hurt and not everyone can win.

In life there are many actions that people may not like, but really those issues need to be addressed sooner rather than later. Like an offensive joke, if a joke offends someone it would be beneficial for that person to confront the joke teller sooner rather than later, because if they don’t those negative feelings might build and fester. Same goes with the expression of positive feelings, when someone hears a joke they immediately laugh. Like love it should be expressed when immediately felt, but often people hold back those feelings and don’t express them at moment they are felt. Real love should be expressed and not held back.

In the play Charles could not deny his draw to Ana and he did the right thing by clearing the air early on, “Lane I want us all to know each other. I want to do things right, from the beginning,” he states as he introduces his new love Ana to his wife. His love for Ana was not something he wasn't looking for and something he meant to do, but just by nature it happened and this time it was a different kind of love. “If a person was good enough, an equally good person would fall in love with that person. And then I met—Ana. Justice had nothing to do with it,” Charles said. There are many kinds of love making it “dirty” and complicated. The first kind he is talking about is the practical reasonable kind, the kind that makes sense. This is the kind that most people find. The second love he describes having with Ana is the extraordinary kind, the kind very few find and that is not driven by reason, but by an unexplainable force.

Just like many jokes people can get hurt. Lane is the butt of this joke when her husband decides to leave her for an older woman. She is the victim. “Poor Charles? Poor Ana? Poor me!” Lane says. In a way though, Lane understands her husband and why he and Ana did what they did. She must understand it if she is kind enough to care for Ana while she is dying. The reason why she helps Ana may be because she knows how much her husband loves her and she still loves her husband, so this is the only way she can she shows how much she cares for him. Perhaps Lane’s love for Charles is unconditional and this is why she is willing to do this for him, or maybe she wants to prove that she is good woman and the one to be had. For some people there is no way in hell that they would help their husband’s dying mistress. This is why love is regarded as dirty. While in love everyone performs differently, acts differently and all have their own meanings and interpretation of what love is—just like a joke love can be fun, funny, happy, successful, motivating, inspirational, or it can be miserable, sad, offensive, and difficult to understand. But clearly from everyone who has experienced real life “love is not clean.”

Limiting Expectations

Expectations, why do people have expectations? Why can't we have a "let's wait and see" attitude. I'm not sure why other's have expectations, but I can explore why I have expectations--control. I want control, over what you say? My life, I want control over my life. You see, I'm a planner and as I have examined my whole life I have always been a planner.

I remember as a young girl day dreaming in the bathtub and imaging how I would like my life to be. I saw what I wanted and I thought if I thought about it hard enough and I wish for it with all my heart then it would eventually come. Sadly, I was wrong. None of my day dreams ever came true and I ended up as one thing, disappointed. So, what do I yet still have expectations? Why can't I just let go and let thing be as they are?

The thing about control is that it is completely one sided. You can have control over only one person and that one person is you. All the other people in the world, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much they love you or you love them, you can't control them. You see that person also has a picture in their head of how their life should be and the likelihood of it matching up with yours is very slim.

In life it's okay to have goals, but the fun thing about goals is you usually have no idea how you're going to achieve them, or you might have ideas and you might try them and you might fail miserably. In that case your plan doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean that you still can't reach your goal. So what I'm saying is expectations are not good, because they insinuate that they are the end-all be-all. That they are the only way. I expect this to happen and you believe it will whole-heartedly, so you fail to make a back-up plan. So then when it doesn't happen the way you want it you are crushed, devastated, stocked and hurt. How could the world fail to live up to MY expectations, how could this person not agree with my plan? Where in my execution did I have a flaw? There had to be a flaw some where, because there isn't any flaws in me and everything in my life should be perfect, right? Wrong!

I know this is super cliche, but as they say, nothing worth having comes easy and oh, how that feels like an understatement sometimes. It amazing how one disappoint can change your whole view, your whole mood, effect you whole life for those short few days where you're going through the emotions. First, you're happy to be executing your plan, then it's over, then you wait, then you're confused, then your discouraged, then self-conscience, then your bitter, then angry, then sad, then depressed, then bothered, then annoyed, then calm, then hopeful, then determined, then triumphant. Then you let it all go and you move on to the next journey and next attempt at accomplishing your goal.

It is really amazing how one thing can just cause this flood of emotions. I guess that really goes to show that this thing that you are persuing is really important to you and that when it doesn't come to be that it will be a very joyful, amazing experience. I think the fact that it causes such emotions means that it is a very passionate and meaningful subject to you and that's you will go above and beyond and dig deep and far, and high and low, to find it and to make it something that will last.

Emotions can seem like a bad things, especially negative ones... But really I think it's the negative ones that make you work so hard for the positive ones and they really do make the positive ones so much more worth the wild. I used to be afraid of my negative emotions, but now I can see that they aren't always that bad and sometimes being strong enough to let them out is even stronger than holding them in. You let yourself be vunerable and to show that you are not perfect and you're not always this face you put on... To show that you too have your demons makes you human. It's makes you relatable. No ones perfect, everyone has their flaws and if you show them, them maybe other people can help you.

So the point here is... It's okay to have goals, but don't be set on one exact outcome. Secondly, emotions show about how much you think about something and it's okay to show weakness because sometimes people might really appreciate that side of you and that might make you more inviting somehow. So stay positive, have more than one plan for things and and never settle for less than what you want. It may take some trial and error to figure out exactly what you want, but it's a journey we all must go on. So for all now, good night and don't let emotions get to your dreams, because dreams and meant for creating the good. Night!

Serendipidous

Serendipity, is fortunate fate, good things happening by "accident," or that are unplanned. Serendipity is some magical positive force that makes good things happen in one's life. You meet your soul mate, you land the most awesome job, without trying or really making an effort to find it. It just lands in your lap.

The belief in serendipity is a belief that requires letting go and letting life happen, because what's meant to be will be. There are many stories going way back that believe in predestined lives. Take the classic Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, he experienced the complete opposite of Serendipity with a complete and utterly tragic and miserable fate. So the question I propose is this, is fate real? Are our lives already planned out? Or did the Greek and movie makers just create the concept for dramatic appeal? Modern Christian faith would say no, there is not such thing as fate because that goes against the belief in free will.

I have watched movies such as "Serendipity" and they are so magical and wonderful and happy-go-lucky. You can't help but want a story just like that, but how likely are you to meet your soul mate shopping is a department story buying a pair of gloves? It makes it seem so easy, but in reality the movie is very deceiving. Yes, they do meet by chance, but they do not re-meet by chance. If John Cusak's character didn't go looking in EVERY bookstore imaginable for the book with Sara's number his fiance would not have seen him do that and bought him the book. Yes, the fact that she happened to buy the exact book with Sara's number in it is a little weird, but finding each other again did take some work. What if Sara never came back to New York? She did something too to make love happen, also.

Okay, so I know I'm dragging you along with this story and it might be hard to understand if you've never seen the movie. What I'm trying to say is... I'm going to have to side with the Christians on this one. I think I believe in free will more so than fate. Nothing I've ever obtain or accomplished ever happened without a little hard work.

Some people sit in there homes all alone hoping and praying that fate will bring them together with their one true love, yet they don't go on dates, or go out anywhere, they just wait.

"No, this waiting is not for you. Somehow you escape all this waiting and staying." Dr. Seuss, Oh! The Places You'll Go. Love may happen by chance, but I'm not going to leave it to the Gods, or fate. I'm going to go after it head first. I'm going to find it and I'm going to do that by kissing a lot of frogs.

I used to want this magical, amazing, fairytale of a story. Now I think I'm okay with just a normal average story. I don't think it matters how I get there as long as I just find what I'm looking for. It might take searching high and low, but somehow I will get there. So Serendipity, I'm taking fate into my own hands, and I will succeed...

Lego My Ego

The ego, it doesn't serve us very well most days. It makes us defensive, anxious, reactive. The ego many times is not logical. The ego thinks that we are under attack all the time. Sometimes mentally we are under attack, because many people attacks each others characters. The reality is survival, in the painless of the sense, does not take the approval of others. Really all we need is shelter, water, food and well, of course, a little physical affection. (see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for further explanation) The truth is it doesn't matter a whole lot what other people think. Yeah, it's nice to have friends and family on your side, but you don't always have to agree to get them on your side. When you start getting defensive and angry at each other because you feel "wrong" is really where the trouble is. So really, it is just better to agree to disagree.

Remember when I wrote the blog about you have to stop judging and start listening. This skill keeps enriching my life day by day and I'm so glad I have implemented it into my life. I know this person whose actions would normally offend me, but because I choose not to be ego driven I feel a lot less pain in my heart. This person has actually slowly opened up to me and showed me what they are about and what drives them. It's really cool to figure some one out that you don't get. It takes A LOT of patience. I mean tons, but in the end it's pretty enriching and satisfying.

I know this whole thing may seem vague and may be a little confusing. That's because it would just be too difficult for me to tell the whole story. I just hope that it is encouraging and enlightening. I don't write for others anyhow. I write for myself. So it is...

Fear

Fear is a well-known feeling. It is a feeling that comes to us at a very young age. But does it ever really leave us? Maybe not. Although, I think it's safe to save that it does take different forms. I remember being a child and thinking that there was Bloody Mary in my mirror and feared to go to the bathroom alone. There was also something under my bed, so when I got out of bed each morning I was forced to hop down quickly and race down the stairs to the safety of my mom. I even pulled the "I can't reach the light switch on the bathroom" so my mom would come into the bathroom with me.

I did everything to avoid my fear. When I was younger my fears were so real and so prominent. The fears raced through my body making my heart race and body shake. It's one of the reason today that I hardly like to sleep without any type of covers in bed. Hiding under my cover at night tightly bundled was the only way I knew how to protect myself from the monsters and dead bodies. I still wrap myself up like a burrito at bedtime. Even though those fears are completely and utterly irrational to me now and I understand that they were just figments of my imagination created because older brothers locked me in my closest and screamed, "There's a dead body in there." My parents also let me watch scary movies with my older siblings, which didn't help either.

The point I'm trying to get at is that I have behaviors I learned through fears in my past that I'm still holding on to, so subconsciously... am I still scared?

But like I was saying fear is something you usually feel with the adrenaline, heart racing; the flight or flight response, right? But can you have a fear and not feel it? Can there be something in you holding you back that you are unaware of? If so... How do protect yourself? Or how do you get rid of it? Maybe it isn't until you truly fully feel it that you can fix it. Who knows?

I think I have a fear lurking in the background of my life and this time I'm going to remove the covers... layer by layer. Because fear you are not serving me well.

Changing Minds

In my last post I talk about going after, diving towards love. Searching high and low, near and far to find someone to date. Okay, I didn't really say that, but I was very gun ho about being proactive about dating. I think my attitude is starting to change again. I don't want looking for a mate on my mind all the time. I want to think about how to make Carrie happy and to focus in on me.

I need to figure out what I truly want and how to make those visions a reality. I need to figure out if what I'm asking of the world is reasonable and feasible. I need to know that I'm not asking for too much, or maybe I am. I need to ease the longing to be with someone else and find contentment in being by myself. I need to accept what is and that there is a plan for me, a very clever one. One that will make a big impact. One that will make many people smile. Now I feel like I'm being a little silly.

Friends! I need more friends. I need to expand my horizon. I need to just be out there in the world being me and being the best me I can be. Energized and ready to take on the world. If only I had as much excitement in real life as I do in my writing. Maybe I should just become a motivation coach from the comfort of my own bed. Is that an oxymoron??? lol.

Maybe I will become a motivational coach one day. I could see myself doing that. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe I'll do it as a side business along with my event planning business. Ideas.... I always have so many ideas, but the execution I lack in. That was from some movie, I forget which one. Well.... This has been a strange blog.

Tomorrow. I expect great things from you. I will not settle for anything, but great. I was going to say amazing, but I think great is sufficient. Thank you for your time all.

Sincerely,
The Truly Unique Carrie

Gloomy with a Hint of Sunshine Here and There

Gloomy with a hint of sunshine here and there is how I would describe my mood lately. It's been flowing in and out of being okay, to upset, to being okay again. I've really been trying to focus on my work and just being successful and learning and growing in my career. If you don't have anything better to do than might as well make that money.

Now is the time to build my skills and build my career. I really need to do well and make progress and have something to show for all my hard work. I want to make a difference and make an impact.

I feel like I haven't been maintaining my personal relationships very well. I don't know where all this falling out came from. Maybe it is because I have been working a lot more than I am used to. Maybe it's because the cold makes me to stay inside and be a hermit. Maybe it's because I'm in this transitional place in my life, going from college young life to professional important adult mature life.

I don't mean to snub my nose at people like I'm better than them because I have an education. I still have a lot to learn. But sometimes you are on a different level then other people because of your experiences and education.

I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to get drunk. I can't go out on weekdays anymore, at least not very late. When I get off work I want to relax and unwind. I have responsibilities.

When I was younger it was easy to know what to do. You hang out with friends a lot, you drink and party alot and well you manage to learn and go through school somehow. But now, with no husband, no family, just me on my own, what do I do? What does a single 25-year-old woman do with her free time??? And so I discover... and I point myself in a direction and walk.

I'm working on it. I'm working on me and being the best me I can be. Discovering what drives me and what holds me back. Because I don't want to be held back by anything. I will conquer and I will succeed. Whenever I have set a goal in the past, whether it be getting my drivers licence, finding a new job, graduating college or getting a new job. I decided what I wanted and I went after it. I didn't just wait for it to come to me. I had my struggles, oh how I had my struggles. But the thing is I never gave up. I hit my speed bumps, but eventually I got there and it felt good. I have come a long way and I'm still going and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

I realize the way I have been doing some things in the past haven't work towards building a relationship and family, so I'm going to try something else and hopefully figure out what works for me. :) Wishing myself good luck.

And the Beat Goes On

...The beat of my heart longing and urging to find my one true love. I'm being way over the top and exaggerating for theatrical sake. Remember when I wrote about if you want something you have to go after it and be proactive. Like when you're searching for a job you have to put in applications and go on interviews and do the work. You're not going to find a job sitting on your ass. Well, at least the likelihood of someone just randomly coming up to you and offering you a job is slim.

Well, that's how I feel about dating and love. Yeah, you can just sit around and wait for Mr. Right to come to you, or... you can go looking for him. You can meet people and go on dates and put yourself out there. So, that's what I've been doing. I signed up for online dating and so far in the last month I've gone on dates with two guys and well they weren't bad dates, it's just that chemistry, the spark, the connection that makes you think wow I'd really like to hang around this person more just hasn't been there. It really is a shame because they seem like really nice guys, just not the right guy for me.

Something happened yesterday that was pretty cool though. It was really busy at work and a little chaotic and I felt like I was running in circles. But I was kind of chit chatting with this guy I was serving, not flirting; he was with a girl. I assumed the girl was his date or girlfriend, but apparently not because the guy wrote his phone number on the credit card slip and told me to "call him." So I'm thinking... well obviously I could talk to this guy fairly well and he seemed nice. I don't exactly recall if I was physically attracted to him so much because I was in work mode and he was with another girl, so I wasn't trying to check him out. I don't do things like that. So I'm debating whether or not I should call him. I think I should. It might be fun. You never know. It couldn't hurt.

Interesting things keep happening at work and it's kind of fun. Even though last night was crazy, hectic... But I got to keep my head up and stay focus and keep doing what I'm doing. Being successful and keeping a smile on my face.

One Heck-Ova Day

Today was going fairly normal. I was working at both jobs, my first double of the week. I got to the restaurant and it was slow. My GM was complaining LIKE crazy as usual and he continued to complain the WHOLE night. He had absolutely nothing positive or encouraging to say to any of us and I was beginning to get a little pissed off. Like really? Is this supposed to be good for moral, because I really don't think this is the way to want to get people to want to work for you. But that's besides the point.

Something amazing happened at work today. So sometimes I look at the names on the credit cards people pay with and thank them by name. So the last name of this man was Christopherson--wow that name is long! I'm so glad there is only 4 letters in my name. So I went to the man and I said thank you Mr. Christopherson, and I asked it that corrected. He said yes. I said that's quite a name and the man replied, "Yes, it's 14 letters long." I always make this joke about getting married and having to change my name because my name is SO short and I would hate to have to spell out this really really long last name. So, without thinking, I said I pray to God that guy I meet has a short name. Then the man said funny you said you pray to God and he asked me for my hand and he started to pray.

He prayed that "this young lady" could find a man and good one, one that would treat her well and take care of her and support her and be a good man and that she would find him when she least expected. It was a really awesome prayer. You know that I'm not really "religious," but I have my beliefs and I have some faith. It's just different. But I was amazed that this man, who had only know me for maybe an hour, was sweet enough and kind enough, to want something great like an awesome mate for me. It really touched me and it was really that little glimmer of hope that I really needed. I feel so blessed to have him pray for me and I feel really good about finding love or rather, love coming to me. I know I deserve the world and I won't settle for less.

But now writing this it makes me think. Was this man a Saint? Look at his name Christopherson??? Christ offer son? Weird? I think so!

Then the day ended with me getting a counterfeit $100, but I still think it was an awesome night, because someone loves me and that's all that matter!