The Vortex

And so it begins, the vortex as I describe it. In the law of attraction it states that like attracts like. So if you speak of positivity that positive things will start to occur. This does not mean that negative will not enter your life as well. When you think of it logically, when you are being positive and full of energy you radiant a vibe, a feel-good vibe. You have something some people don't have, something that the negative people lacking positive energy want. People who are hungry are going to go where the food is, not towards the people who have nothing to offer them. 

This is where the real challenge occurs. It's easy to climb a mountain alone, but with the weight of the world and other people's trouble it's not as easy, but other people who are weak will try and hitch a ride. There are good ways and bad ways to help these people. Putting them on your back will just wear you down and a leave them still incapable of climbing the next mountain. But rather you can give the tools, support and strength to climb the mountain on their own. Not everyone will want to take on this journey and that's okay, as long as you offered support rather than judgment that is really all that's within your control. 

So I've been getting really back into fitness and eating clean and healthy and I'm starting to feel really amazing and good about myself. I've lost 3.6 pounds in the last 2 weeks, which doesn't seem like that much, but it is when you're 5-foot tall and you haven't been able to lose anything in about a year. I can feel my body strengthen, my muscles tighten. I feel motivated, accomplished, empowered, and successful. 

It feels so good to put energy into something and see visible results in my before and after pictures. Society has put so much emphasis on the fact that being skinny is vain, but it isn't about vanity, it's about strength and health. I know that what I'm doing is helping me prevent heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, diseases that both my parents either have or are at high risk for. I know I am creating a long life for myself, so when I finally have kids I'll have the energy to chase after them. I am creating longevity where I can see my kids, grand kids and who knows great grand kids grow up. Lastly, I am immensely improving my quality of life by fighting my battle with depression, one mile, elliptical, weight lift at a time.

So that's where I'm at.

So today I heard from someone I hadn't talked to in a while. He wasn't very happy. He was frustrated with his job and current financial situation, something he doesn't have control over. So of course positive me tried to show him his blessings and help him focus on what he did have rather than what he didn't. Like a roof over his head, food, a job, his health, so many things that people take for granted. I can't imagine being in a third-world country ridden with disease, toxic water, sleeping on the ground. My apartment, although small, for some people would be like winning the lottery, a stable roof, running CLEAN HOT water, a refrigerator with food, central air conditioning and an amazingly comfortable bed. What people suffering would feel like if they had what I have? 

I know there's more to have, but I know that I don't deserve more until I can appreciate what I have. It may not be what I think I should or have or what I want it to be, but I still know that I have a lot and it's enough for me at this point in my life. 

I've done a lot of soul searching and self improvement. I read a lot of spiritual books that have helped me gain all these perspectives, so I know maybe I'm just at an advantage, but I still believe that I can help people not in my current wave length to see the light, at least I stayed optimistic that I can. 

Working in the drug recovery field I understand that it's natural to want to play the victim and having felt like the victim in the past I understand that you want validation for feeling this way and for people to feel sorry for you. Yes, you're feelings are valid for you current level of consciousness, but it doesn't mean that you should stay in that wavelength.  I do empathize, I really do, but I know that being the victim will NOT empower you. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You either have to make an effort to make a change or accept the things you cannot change. Yes, I am paraphrasing the serenity prayer. My relationship with recovery and how those practices can help everyone, not just those who are addicts, are a whole other blog though. I am a firm believer in the Serenity Prayer though! 

So the vortex as I call it is the phenomenon of being in a place of bliss, happiness and empowerment and attracting negative people that try and suck you down with them. Don't let them, stay strong, be mindful and use your blessings for good. Judgment and condemning will do no good. Understand that that could be you and that you must use compassion to make the world a happier more beautiful place. 

I expect more vortexes on my journey to life-long health. I know it won't be easy to stay at the top, but staying strong spiritually and physically I am confident I can stay at the top. 

Where I am...

So it's been 5 years since I graduated college. I landed a job in public relations at a non-profit residential drug and alcohol rehab six months after graduation in a part-time position. I was still serving at a restaurant, so between the two jobs I was able to manage financially...until I got fired from my serving job. We won't go into the details of that, not that I'm ashamed or guilty of anything; it's just an entirely different story and subject than what I want to focus on in this blog. So in the meantime I manage to do some tutoring for kids, some serving at another place and even event bartending to make it by. A year and half ago I did actually become a "full-time employee" by that I mean I work 32 hours with full benefits, vacation and sick, which is awesome and I'm totally grateful for. But the problem is I BARELY make it by living on my own and wages I make. I work paycheck to paycheck. They only way I've gotten small boost of help are through law suit settlements, tax refunds and of course help from my wonderful parents. So you ask why don't you just go get a better job? My answer to that is I have TRIED. I absolutely have tried to find a better job. In fact since I've worked at my current job I must have gone on at least 8 professional interviews. Beyond that I've probably submitted 100 resumes to various organizations throughout the Valley and no one has hired me. I know I have a lot of skills and talent and passion.

So after getting yet another rejection letter today I sobbed to my friend Emily and I just expressed that I didn't know what was wrong with me? There has to be a reason why my life is stuck in this sort of limboland of the job world. There must be something I'm supposed to learn or someone I'm supposed to meet while I'm there. I know I can be a little negative at times, but I do also truly believe that I deserve to thrive in this world and deserve to have a career where I feel secure and that I can feel comfortable supporting a family one day.

Maybe I'm supposed to write my own story. Maybe I'm supposed to write a book and become a famous writer or maybe I'm supposed to write a cookbook. Either way I'm stuck here for a reason and I know I just need to act on something and take control of my life and pave my own future. So for now I don't have anything clever or witty to say. All I can say is that I'm going to work on accepting where I am while paving the way for my future.

Bill

Today I met Bill. Bill is homeless. I first saw Bill hunched over his cart that he keeps with him just off from the McDonald's on Shaw and Peach couching below the trees for what little shelter he can get. About two years ago around the holidays I decided to give him a gift and so I bought him a two cheeseburger meal from McDonald's. A little frighten of homeless men, you never know, I quickly gave me the food, said Merry Christmas and went on my way. He replied with a smile "Thank You and God Bless You." I have had a few homeless men say that to me and all I can think is I'm already blessed.

Bill is frail in appearence and the way he limps down the street he is clearly disabled, so I wonder why hasn't God bless Bill or why two years later is he still having to suffer on the street, especially in this God-awful 100-degree weather? 

I don't know Bill, but today I met him. Instead of cowardly giving him food and walking away I thought that I would treat him like the human being he is. I walked up to him and said "Hi, I'm Carrie," he hesitated for a brief second and then met his hand to mine for a shake. I asked him if he was homeless and he told me that he lives in a car that he keeps in a Derrels Mini Storage - I think. Regardless I'm sure he said he live in his car. Well that explains why he's outside hovering below these trees rather than at "home" - he would cook in there. 

Through my job I get a lot of calls from people telling me there are on disability and social security, Veterans, elderly, etc. So I wonder why is this man who is clearly disabled and unabled to work, why is he on the streets? I asked him "You're disabled right?" He said yes, so I asked is had applied for disablility and he said that he had been denied. Hello? Government, have you met Bill? Have you seen him on the street? Have you watched him sleep in his car? How does the government deny Bill help?

Like I said, I don't know Bill whole story and I don't know the circumstances of his application, etc. All I know that it's a 100-degrees outside and I don't think poor Bill should have to suffer on the street. I asked Bill if he had resources to reapply for the diasbility and he said that someone was helping him. I hope that's true because he really needs it. 

I gave Bill a couple cheeseburgers and some water, but I can't help but think that we can do more for Bill. I fed bill for maybe a day, but Bill deserves more. Bill seems like a nice innocent man, maybe he's not - I don't know. In the end though my human nature tells me that no one should have to live like that and there's enough resources for everyone to thrive. Something got to be done though. We all deserve to thrive. I don't have the answers to making a change in this world, but I do know that I would to make one. Even if all I can do is give a man food, maybe that gives him enough hope to keep going and never give up. I don't know. I never know if I'm doing the right thing, but I like to think I'm a good person and people like Bill help me realize how blessed I am. I hope Bill hopes you realize it too. 

The Show Must Go On With or Without "Him"

Back in February I reached a HUGE feat and lost 6 lbs in 4 weeks. I lost more than 4% of my body weigh and I was really starting to feel good and was really proud of myself. My weight loss trickle on for a month or so more. I even one day showed a 10-pound weight loss from where I originally started, but life happened. I started eating whatever I wanted to again and gave in to the cookies sitting on the counter at work. So as you can assume what happened - I gained the weight back. While I don't think I'm as big as I originally started. I can still feel that I am more toned and muscular than I was before I started my journey it is still disappointing knowing that I regressed and I wasn't able to maintain all the hard work I did.

So here I am again back to square one and working on making those habits that I had while on my dietbetter.com mission lifestyle habits. I need to do these things not just because I want to win a bet, but because it's good for me and it makes me feel happy and proud of myself. While this lifestyle was very all-consuming, I'm not going to lie - I believe through practices and persistence that it will be natural and easy. I can still maintain normal social lifes - minus eating the junk food with them. 

The last couple of months I've been focused on online dating and there was a lot of birthdays and celebration going on in June that made it nearly impossible for me to get back on track with my fitness and healthy eating. But frankly I'm exhausted with online dating, every guy just feels wrong. A guy messages me and I just have no interest in talking to any of them. 

So I'm ready to be a little self-centered again. Even though that term is usually associated with a negative condotation, in my case I really don't think it is. I need to be me with or without a man in my life. I know that I have a lot of potential and that I want to be the best version of me I can be and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. 

Dating, talking to men, dealing with all the games and BS is exhausting and I'm just over it. I'm ready to just refocus on me and just be Carrie without a man. Maybe in the journey of things I'll figure out something new I want to do with my career. For now I'm refocusing my energy on one thing I know I have 100 percent control of, my fitness, and hopefully the rest of life with all just fall into place. So that's the plan and I'm sticking to it. 

***Part what of what helps me stay on track is me helping others. So if you would like any recipes, tips, menus or guides to how I originally lost the weight please contact me carriegir311@gmail.com

Or find me on Facebook at Carrie Holt. 

Happy healthy days everyone!!! 

Tis' the Season to Be Lonely

Mistle toe, cozying up to the fire, picking out a tree and decorating it together. Scratch...there will be none of that, because well Carrie is STILL single. I know what you're thinking; hasn't she been single forever? My answer is YES, well it sure feels like it. It's actually been about 3 years and 8 months. So you're asking what's wrong with her? Answer: I have NO idea, please inform me if you do. 

I even went out on a limb and ask a guy out that I had originally deemed really sweet, but not right for me. I felt like he still posessed many great qualities and felt, well maybe that's what's wrong, I don't give the guys a fair chance. I wasn't exactly, but I feel a little stood up by him tonight. He was supposed to text me and let me know if he was free on Sunday and he completely has yet to notify me. Here I am thinking, oh how eager he will be to talk to me again and to see me again and he ignores me...like every other guy. 

I have no idea how I'm supposed to show people who I am if they are constantly ignoring me. It's like I don't exist sometimes. Like I don't really even matter. I'm not sure why. I think I matter. I have a lot of interesting things to say. I'm fun, upbeat, child-like. I like cookies and hot cocoa and ice skating and magic... 

Pathetic thing is...I asked Santa for a boyfriend this year. Yeah, a boyfriend. I know I'm not supposed to pessimistic and I know I'm supposed to have faith in myself, but how am I supposed to do that when all the sign point to alone alone alone............ Put a big sign on my head. I AM ALONE... People say loniless is a state of mind. Like when you feel all alone in a big crowded room. That's not me... I actually am alone. Crazy thing is...even my mom was to busy for me. What IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?  What is wrong with me?!?!? 

It happens when you least expect. Well you know what I LEAST expect anything to happen to me because I feel stuck in this habitual cycle of going no where, being ignore and not being good enough for people to prioritize TIME FOR ME. 

This isn't by best written blog, but it's real and I needed to vent. Hopefully there some people out there that can relate. 

FresNO? or FreYes?

Let's examine. I've lived in Clovis/Fresno area my whole life. While there is an abundance of things to complain about amongst them are: the heat, car thieft, the gangs, the hoods of highly unintelligent beings, poverty, bums, and the lack of job. But overall I don't feel like it's a terrible place to live. We can get to both mountains and beach in roughly 2 1/2 hours. We have LA a mere 4ish hours a way, the beautiful San Francisno, and let's not forget our National Park Yosemite. Afterall, Clovis is the gateway to the Sierras. We have two water parks, two great concert venues that attract big names, two water parks, 3 1/2 movie theatres, 3? Walmarts, more than 5 Targets, along side many other of luxury places to go. Basically Fresno is what you make it and if you really seek out something to do it's not really hard to find. Except...quality men.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just my unexplainable, unimaginable high standards. I kid you not though to find a single, honest man, who has a job, car, and doesn't live with his parents who isn't a complete idiot seems nearly impossible in this town and trust me I've looked. I've been on OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, and Tinder. I've asked friends. I've gone to bars. I've went to the golf range. I've search high and low for a mature serious man who has his priority straight and that I have a connection with and I have had no luck.

This weekend I did manage to come across two men that were quite handsome and seem really sweet and sane. The only thing is the way I'm totally digging is where? Seattle. Yup... 737 miles away. WHY???

I know that what's meant to be will be? But come on Universe give me a break? What are you trying to tell me? What does this all mean? Are you trying to torture me?

Have You Met the Single Men in Fresno?

I was silenced on the spot by mortification when the other day at Thanksgiving my sister-in-law's father blurted out, "So it's been like 4-5 years since I've seen you with a guy." I basically stated I had dated a guy for like 5 months and that didn't work out and yeah...said "Have you met the men in Fresno?"

So it's not like I haven't made an attempt to meet men, oh I have and probably much more than you think. I'm just a little reserve about it. But I thought I would have a little sense of humor and talk about the types on men I come across along and why they aren't my cup of tea. 

The Gamers

I'm not just talking about video games, I'm talking those cards games too. The ones that all the nerds played Freshmen year of High School. Take it video games are cool, but when they list them as their interest in the first sentence of their profile, uh red flag! Besides I've found video games is code for "chubby" i.e. inactive and sits on their butts a lot. 

The Muscle

Yes, there are plenty of hot men out there with really big muscles, tans, and big smiles. But do I really want someone who spends 3 hours a day at the gym? Besides I'm not really into huge muscles. Big muscles and someone who spends hours at the gym seems like someone who is selfish and self-centered. I want someone healthy, but I need attention to and I fear that they will be to into their own needs to meet my needs. 

The Overly Eager

You send them a message and they send one back. You're busy with a job, gym, life, etc. and you are still maybe feeling this guy out to see if you want to really talk to him. You read his message, but don't reply immediately. They continue to send you a "How's your night going?" message. You still don't have time to reply. Then they send a message asking you a question and then a good morning message. I'm sorry, but that reaks of desperation. Play it cool guys and wait for us to reply before you blow up our inbox. 

The Tattooed and Pierced

I'm an old fashion girl. In my early years of work a guy (who had a fair amount of tattoes) told me he didn't like tattos on girls. He compared them to graffitti and said that he thought women were already beautiful canvases and didn't need it. I feel that way about myself and I'm proud that I have no tattos. Take it I don't mind some tattoes, but there are so many men that are covered in tattos. I feel the same way about men, as I do about myself. We are beautiful and we don't need all that art on us. Besides, some of the tattoos are is just creepy, strange and sometimes demonic looking. You have to wonder what goes through their mind when they decide to put that on themselves.

Honestly I could go on and on, but I don't have all night. My point is I'm just looking for a normal clean-cut guy, with his stuff together and have his priorities straight. I'm looking for a confident man, who doesn't hide behind video games, obessess over "beach" muscles, doesn't seem desperates and isn't covered in tattos. Is that too much to ask?