Tis' the season to be jolly?

I've been blogging and wanting to write throughout December and yet somehow I have escaped writing a holiday blog. So here it is!

I admit I have been a Scrooge this Christmas and I'm sorry for that. I have attempted with all that is in me not to be a bah-hum-bug, but by some uncontrollable force I haven't been able to help it.

So here it is--me analyzing my poor, bitter unhappy mood. Christmas, when I was younger was exciting magical. When you are younger and you believe in Santa there such an anticipation that builds waiting inside you. You are so anxious tossing and turning wondering when Santa is going to come, but you know that he will not come unless you fall asleep so you must put your excitement aside to force yourself to sleep.

Then you awake early in the morning to find your stocking stuffed. It's filled with candy and socks and make-up and little toys, whatever is age appropriate of course.

Then the task of dragging your parents out of bed, so you can see what amazing special once-a-year special things that the good holiday brings. This is the one time of the year when you get really really big things. The one time of year your parents splurged on you.

But now I'm old... No Santa to look forward to. No stocking. I'm at my own place...all alone. My parents give me nice things, but I don't feel I deserve them anymore. At this age I should be married starting my own family. I should have a child that I am Santa for.

I should be arguing with my mate over whose house we will go over this year.

I shouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve drinking screw drivers and watching "The Holiday" alone. But here I am and this is it... This is my life. It's not what I thought it would be, but it is what it is.

I have had magical moments before, so they have to be able to happen again. I just don't know when. My time will come though. One time... I'll have my happily ever after Christmas and I'll be where I think I should be. :)

Patience Equals Virtue?

They always say that patience is a virtue, but why? Why is it a virtue? If you see something in life that you want then why can't you go after it and have it? Like I just think that when I think of patience I think of the person sitting in the chair, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for their name to be called and in some incidences that is fine to do. But sometimes I think that there is things you need to dive after and do whatever it takes to obtain them. Like a job--you're not going to get a job by just sitting around waiting for someone to offer you a job. You are going to make a resume, edit your resume, have someone else check that resume. Then you will submit that resume over and over and over again until someone calls you....Then you'll go on an interview. You may get the job, but you might have to keep submitting applications. But eventually you find a job. But you don't do it by just sitting around and waiting for it.

So what about finding the love of your life? What are you supposed to do about that? There's not application you can feel out is there? Sure you can go on dates, but got to make sure the people you're going on a date with are worth the wild. Well, I'm tired of being patient about finding love. It's love. It's so simple, but yet I don't have it. It should be easier then finding a job. It's love, it should be easy for someone to love me. I don't want to wait around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it to come to me. I want to dive into head first.

Muse?

I want to write. For my sanity I need to write. Writing helps me let go. It helps me get out everything I need to say. But, I just haven't been very inspired to write. All the thoughts just keep bouncing around in my head and I do not like it.

Today, I'm choosing to give up on Brian. Like for real. No texting, no calling, no IMing. Just giving up. It is going to take a lot of will power, but I know in my heart it is for the best. I deserve more than what he is giving me. I deserve a companion and a friend and I will find one.

I think I'm finally admitting to myself that I was continue what we had for selfish reason. They weren't even self-serving reasons. I guess I said it well enough while talking to Emily. I want to figure him out. I want to crack him. But I can't fix him and it's not my job to. If he doesn't want to open up to me then maybe I'm just not the right person for him and I accept that. I'm not going to let my ego be bother by the fact that I'm not the one.

Like the book and the movie states, "He just not that into me." And that's okay. There has to be someone out there that will be completely and utterly head over heels for me. Just because Brian isn't THAT into me doesn't mean there's something really wrong with me. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am a wonderful woman and I have A LOT to offer. I am very happy with the woman I am and where I am at in life.

Yes, sometimes finding Mr. Right seems hopeless and I'm frustrated and impatient and moody and lonely. But that doesn't mean I should go use someone for my entertainment.

I believe Brian is a good person and that he has a lot to offer the world. I think he can be a sweet caring, generous, thoughtful, compassionate husband to some lucky lady. I just don't know if that lucky lady will be me. I think it's my ego telling me to keep going with him. That eventually he'll change and become more open with me and more attentive... But I can't not enable that behavior right now. I am sad to say goodbye. But I'm afraid I know in my heart it's the right thing. I don't want another Chris breakdown or a Sage incident. I don't want to get so frustrated I blow. I kindly and gently left us like this in a text, "I'm sorry if people treated you badly or whatever happened in the past, but I'm not them and this is now. I've tried to get you to open up to me because I believe there's a sweeter side to you then you show. I can only stay patient for so long. I hope you find what you're looking for."

The Vows

Today is the big day, my best friend's wedding and I'm the Maid of Honor. It is still incredibly hard to believe that she really is getting married. Getting married is any cultural is a huge step and really big deal. It is a commitment to the same person for the rest of your life.

Today seems yet still so surreal. I don't think I'll believe it until I'm there watching them say their vows. But I'm not sure why I feel differently about this wedding then I did about my brothers. My brothers I was just so excited. But this one... Maybe because society has tainted marriage so much and I just fear for my friend.

But I'm going to make a point to change my attitude right now now and keep the positive attitude that I know I can have. I do believe in love and faith. I believe in triumphing over all obstacles. I believe that love is a choice you make everyday. I believe it's fighting through the obstacles and never giving up on one another.

I can't help but think forward to when will it be my time? And I have to keep that same positive attitude and know that I have the right to choose love and to do so as much as I can. But for now today is not about me. It's her time to shine and we'll worry about me later.

So shall it be. Congratulation. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love... Farewell.

Drunk Blog

So I think every good writer should write a drunk blog. Because it will truely show their real self. And of course I am a very good writer, so whether I am drunk or not...this will be an amazing blog.

I started to write a blog earlier...when I was not drunk, but I got distracted. I really love writing and I am very happy that I got a job doing public relations. Even though I used to think that I was a terrible writer. But I now think that I am a pretty darn good writer. I know I'm not a phenonmenal writer, but I think that I am worth reading. I think my life experience is insightful and that I have something wise to teach the world. I also think that if you don't agree with me that you can shove it. J/k. I think that you can just not read this blog and let it be.

I am a nice person. I really am. I try my darndest to treat people how I would want to be treated. I also think that I also try to see the best in people and in the process my heart gets stomped on. But I just pick it up, put it right back into my chest, and give it away to some else. Sometimes the same thing happens, but I just pick it right back up again.

I think that everyone wants and deserves to be loved and treated well. I also believe in order to commit to that love it takes some time and commitment. With that goes sacrefices. But if that person is really worth it you will make the effort. I am a gracious, caring, happy, funny, lively, outgoing, exciting, amazing, hardworking, dedicated person. I deserve the best. And those who have me must be worthy.

This is probabley a bunch of gibberish cause of the alcohol. But oh well....because I am a amazing writer.

I Know this is the Ego Talking

I started to type this blog to realize that I had not put my contacts in yet. So I got up walked to the bathroom and told myself, "It's really hard to write with no vision." You can quote me on that. That insight has not much to do with the intention of this blog, but it does have have to do with my motivation for writing.

Normally, I take a very logically and sensible approach to my blogs. I try to take all the knowledge I have learned and apply it to my everyday life in order to find a better understanding. But despite my efforts to not be an emotional person and not let my ego overwhelm me with its needs, I feel compelled to write a more emotional blog. I am going to give my emotions the satisfaction of this blog and then let it go.

Even now, when I'm trying to really embrace and fully feel my emotion, I can't. Many of times I get down ridden and I just want to cry and I, for the life of, me can't. My thinking that some how if I cry then through that process my emotions will escape me and I will be free. But I have conditioned myself to be strong and I can't cry.

Today, I'm not so much sad, or disappointed. I don't feel damaged or attacked. I just feel alone and well unstimulated. This morning when I woke up in my bed all by myself I did not have a reason to get up. No one by my side to kiss good morning. No one to hug and feel connected with. Just me...to figure out the day by myself. Just like Dr. Seuss Says, "All...alone whether you like it or not. Alone is something you'll be quite a lot." Here I am all alone. At the age of 25 I imagined myself married and with child. But the process of life has failed me and my dreams. I'm okay with it. I am grateful that I do not have children and I am able to experience the freedoms that I have. Also, I know that a child would be a financial burden that at this time I could not bear. I have just started my career and I could use a few years to really get my foot in the door and create long-lasting and stable finances.

No, I don't want kids. But I do want someone to start a relationship with--someone reliable, someone I can share all aspects of my life with. Someone to just be there for me no matter what. Sometimes I think that if there is a God he teases us. He gives us a tiny little glimpse of what we can have and then he denies it to us. Here's this magical wonderful weekend with a man, but his going to live on the other side of the state. Here's this fun exhilarating night with this other man, but he lives 5 hours away as well. Here is this man only 10 miles away from you, but he is unavailable because he has more important things other than me.

Well I am important dammit and you should give me some attention. Again, I know that this is my ego speaking and that I can be fully successful and have a fulfilling life without a man. But seriously...It would be nice to have one. Really. I have learn to be less judgmental and accept people. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Everyone deserves to be loved including me and him. I've given up trying to think that there is this magical one. Rather I believe that the one is the one you choose it to be. He is the one you put all your negative feelings aside for and only feel adoration and love for. I can do that. I am ready. Love is a challenge and I WILL conquer you.

When You Stop Judging and Start Listening

Judging, what is it? It's YOUR perception of something. Many people while observing something tend to create an opinion of that thing, person, event or behavior they are observing. They especially tend to do this when the action challenges or goes against something they believe in.

But first let's look at what a belief is. It's an idea that our brains come up with from experience. We had fun as a child when we ate ice cream at the fair, so we believe ice cream and fairs are good. We had a dog attack us when we were a young child, so dogs are bad. It's all perception and it is nearly impossible for any two people to have the same perception because they have had entirely different experiences and circumstances.

After reading Eckhart Tolle's both "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" I realize that I need to be more accepting of what is and in order to accept I must not judge. I also realize that many of my reactions are emotion based and irrationally triggered by the ego's defense. Furthermore, I learned that you need to learn not to react.

About a month ago my ex-boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. I chose to let bygones be bygones and to forgive him for the crap that went down a long... 4 years ago when we were probably both very immature. He kept trying to talk to me and I kept trying to ignore him. But he kept popping up. So I gave in and talk to him. He asked if my mom was still trying to hook me up. I told him I dunno kind of. So he offered to set me up, which was his sly way of just asking me out, which I quickly figured out.

He said something really insightful to me. Something along the lines of I don't know if I should set you up, you're just going to try and find something you don't like about him and be unhappy. He actually was kind of partially right. I am so judgmental sometimes. So this guy takes me out on a date. I'm still very guarded about him because in the past I felt like our relationship was sexual based and that was his main motive for dating me.

We talked after we went on the date through text and IM and he's made some comments such as "Let's have sex." and I replied simply with "No." I wanted so bad to get pissed off and shout and him and tell him that I am not a piece of meat to screw and I am a person and you should get to know me better. I wanted to rant about respect or people never change on Facebook. But you know what I did. I did nothing and I continued to talk to him.

I know what you're thinking, Carrie your a moron--this guy is an ass. But I was not going to judge. I also wasn't going to let him have sex with me, so I knew that I could not be used if I didn't let anything happen. I also thought that he wants a reactions and I'm not going to give it to him. Let's surprise him--be different than other girls.

He asked me to hang out last night. I was bored and thought it would really be nice to actual get to enjoy a movie with a male for once and maybe even cuddle. I was hesitant to say yes because I was afraid to put myself in a situation where I would have to say no. But you know what happened I went over there, we snuggle a little and we kissed. That was it. He didn't try anything sexual with me.

So this guy is different. He's guarded and hard to get information out of. He doesn't talk very much. Sometimes he says strange thing like about a gold-digging whore, which he mentioned last night. Then tonight we said something about money buying sluts. I said sluts are free and he said not the gold digger ones. That was the second time he used that word. So I confronted him. I have a feeling you've had bad experience with gold diggers and he reply was, "Houses are slut magnets." That's when it all connected. So just for the sake of legal reasons I am not a doctor, a psychologist, therapist, or any professional in the mental medical field, but I think I've got him figured out. Oh did I mention that after he left and behaved so well he text me and said "You wanted sex, don't lie." and I replied with just "Nope." Then he said told me, "Well thanks for keeping me and my bed company."

This is my assessment. I think that he is afraid of getting used for his money. He must have had experiences where girls wanted to date him because he owned his own house and has a good job. He is afraid because of his past experiences and that girls are out to use him. Just like I was afraid that he is out for sex. Maybe the sexual comments are not about him wanting sex, but him testing me. Or he thinks that all the other girls threw themselves at him in bed so so will I. I think that he has the potential to be a sweet, very kind, person to date, but he doesn't want to get too close because he will get hurt. I don't believe that he is bad person. I think that he has had some experiences in his past that has conditioned him to behave this way. I think that deep down he wants something real. I mean really being slutty is just a person way of feeling a void. I think that I would not have figured any of this out if I did not stop judging and start listening. People might do or say things that you don't agree with, but remember there is a reason for it. Just as you have found your beliefs and habits, so have they. Next time someone does something to upset you stop and be conscious about it. Don't react. Just accept it. If you need to reply say, "Okay." or "Is that so?" or "Oh really?" These are non-emotional reactions and show that you don't disagree or agree, but just accept what they say as their truth.

I think there is so much to gain from doing this and encourage everyone to practice it in your daily life. I feel like I am better friend now because I am able to see past deeper than my own opinion and see the root and heart of people. Maybe I'm wrong about this guy, only time will tell I suppose, but I think that good things will come of it. :)

The Plane Dream

So I had a dream I was in a plane, this was no ordinary plane it was one ginormous HUGE plane. It was kind more like a ship out of Star Trek where there's different levels and different sections. So I was in this plane and me and some other people were on our way to somewhere. I'm not sure where. But we're walking down this hallway and all of a sudden the plane dives and turn perpendicular and we are falling down this hallway. The plane feels like it is spiraling down and we're headed to crash. I think to myself this is it, I'm going to die, because of course who survives that kind of plane crash??? But the plane doesn't smash into the ground. The section on the plane that I'm in manages to break off and it comes sliding at an angle down to the ground and it stops. We are able to get out and we were incredibly shaken up and scared and bruise and hurt. But we were alive.

My assessment of this dream is that there's a gonna be a rough patch in my life. A crazy turmoil part briefly and then it's going to come down and I'm going to be okay. I think this dream means that I'm going to get a second chance... I could use a new start at life! Not that my life is bad, but I think it would be refreshing to change things up and just go a different route.

Steam-To be continued...

I am so effing tired beyond belief right now. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday and woke up on the other wrong side of the bed today. I have so much shit running through my head and I just can't shut it off. I know I need to for the sake of my blood pressure and my overall well being. I got a massage last night at the school and my body feels even worse today. It definitely is not have a "hurt-so-good" feeling right now. It sucks so bad that I'm even considering taking some heavy drugs--not the illegal kind. Don't worry! But I wouldn't mind having some muscle relaxers and perhaps a 500 milligram of Vikadin.

Writer?

So last year when my former roommate, Emily, lived here we decided that we were going to start a blog about dating. We both decided to sign up for a couple of free online dating websites. We had gone on some interesting dates to say the least. But we never wrote about it. I guess that's probably because I ended up dating this guy who lived in Chico. Anyways... I think I want to do that again.

Lately, I've been feeling like I am a writer and that I should write. I just don't know what about. I think writing about dating would be a good start. I need to start writing more and more and get really good about it. It would be awesome for people to want to read what I have to say. I think that I am interesting enough and experienced enough. I think writing could be a thing that makes me money. Well, adieu for now.

The Rescue

I don't consider myself religious, but do consider myself spiritual. A while back a passage came to me and has stuck with me throughout the last few months. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." Lately I've seen this work in my life. I have slowly been able to overcome my emotions and not let them get the best of me. Through this wisdom and I have been able to experience more and more joy in my life. I have been able to take a "Let-it-Be" approach and find the joy in the things I receive on a daily basis. Sometimes there's things in life you want, but you can't have. This is something you have to just come to accept. I know certain situations I cannot control. I can not control the way other people act and I cannot make people feel a certain way or think certain things. Only thing like the poem says is be accountable for my and only my attitude. It is amazing how much a change in attitude and a different perspective can change everything. Like the law of attraction points out who would want to think about things that make them feel bad. Of course there is natural things that are out of your control that instinctively make you feel bad such a death or physical pain even certain other misfortunes. I have learn even the bad I must accept. That's all I really can do. I have no choice but to be grateful for what I have--without that why would I deserve anymore? I have all that I need and I am complete. I have learn from my mistakes and have grown as a being from them without them I would not be the strong mature woman I am today. There are things that come into my life that my ego craves to have and that are hard to resist, but I know deep down in my heart I don't need it/them. I have have to say no. I have grown to be less of the people-pleaser I was before. I think before I react. There are some things that happen and I think in my mind that I should be emotional, but I can't react. This is proof that I have evolved into someone not cold-hearted, but someone who can see something and take it in and just accept it. Understand it is human nature or the circle of life. Like The Byrds say, "For everything, Turn, Turn, Turn, Turn....There is a season, Turn, Turn, Turn, Turn." I feel blessed to have the wisdom to find joy no matter what my life situation is.

Forgive Me if I'm Wrong

Being in love with me means fighting for me. It's means doing whatever it takes to be with me. It's means trying your hardest to talk to me and maintain communication with me. Being in love with me means going above and beyond to make sure I'm happy. It means providing for me and taking care of me. It means doing whatever it takes to see me as much as possible. Being in love with me means liking me during my high and low times--when I'm happy and when I'm sad. It means supporting me in all my endeavors. It means encouraging me to succeed and go after my dreams. Being in love with me is so much more than words in a text message. Being in LOVE--real LOVE is actions. Words are just something that comes out of your mouth. A three year old is capable of saying I'm in love with you... But without evidence, proof, action... Telling me you're in love with me is just a bunch of effing BULLSHIT. There is no evidence to prove your words and so I call your bluff. Love the truly one and only...amazing Carrie J. Holt

The Ultimate Act

When I was around 9 years old I made a dream catcher in girl scouts. It was beautiful with beads and bright pink and purple feather dangling at the end, because pink and purple were, of course, at the age on 9 were my favorite colors. My troop leader told me that the dream catcher works because of the web in the middle. All the dreams in my head would first pass through the dream catcher and it would capture all the bad dreams in the web and only let free the good ones. Understanding the concept of a spider web this seem to make much sense. (If your are not familiar with dream catchers they are actually a Native American creation and tradition.)

I remember the first night I put up my dream catcher and I remember the dream I had. I know you are thinking this is a little crazy, because how can you remember something so intricate that happened somewhere around 15 years year ago. This dream, this one dream I could never forget. I was playing in my backyard, at my parents house of course. I was playing near the swing set. Then all of a sudden these bad guys came to hurt me and I wasn't safe. Then this man, this older man, he may have not been very old but of course many people were older than me when I was 9. This man came and swooped me up and put me on top of my swing set, which somehow magically transformed into having a roof rather than a large wooden pole across the top. Then I was safe. But the man fighting off the intruders was killed and I was sad. But I was so grateful for his protection and bravery. He would be dubbed forever in my head my Prince. Prince became a friend of mine, an imaginary friend. Although he was killed in my dream he was still very alive in my head. I know it's a little strange at the old of an age to have an imaginary friend, but I didn't care. There would be many days when I had no friends to play with and my older brother and his friends were not convinced I was a boy even when I dressed up in my brother's boy clothes and pretended to be boy. They were too smart to go for it. Hey! It was worth a try. "Go away Carrie," they would say and I would replied, "How'd ya know it was me?"

So Prince was my companion. It was fairly odd of my to have an imaginary friend at this age and it was even more out of character that he was a boy. Growing up I was very very shy around boys and always took better to the females. I didn't have anything in common with boys and they always wanted to play rough. I was small and dainty and just wanted to play house. Prince wasn't always around, just from time to time when I got bored. He was my savior and my friend and I knew no matter what that he would be there to make me laugh and take care of me. He made me feel not so alone. So I constructed this theory that the image of my Prince that I dream of that one day in my dreams would be the man that I would married. He would be the one person in this world not related to me that would do anything and everything from my well being, even if that meant dying. I don't think I expect much from a mate. Having a connection is probably one of the most important things. Of course you have to admire that person and appreciate their qualities. The one thing I need to be absolutely sure that he is the one is The Ultimate Act. An act so daring so brave so instinctual such as my Prince did in my dream. I need that person to do something that goes above and beyond what I expected of him to show me how much he loves me. Maybe I have watched too many love stories, but I believe in that incredible unbelievable kind of love that will make you cross oceans for them. I believe in the run to the airport and stop you from moving away love. I believe in throw rocks at my window and confess your undying love in person love. So here I wait for that ultimate act. Sometime I just don't know if I'm supposed to sit here and do nothing and pray it happens or if I should just give up, because life is not Romeo and Juliet and it's not like the movies. Life doesn't end at the end of movie and that leaves it open for so many more things to happen both bad and good. Because what happens after that act? Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that dream was just a way to show me that my bad dreams can go away and good dreams and good things will happen to me. I can't help but still wait for my Prince.

Like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill says, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, ask him to love her." And so I wait.

Stronger than Yesterday

God Bless American... We all go through trials and tribulations in life all reaching for the American Dream. Great plays and novels such as A Raisin in the Sun by Loraine Hansberry, or August Wilson Fences, understood that for some life is one big struggle to try and get ahead. Then once we get ahead we just want to go further. No one wants to regress, because to regress in life is to fail. My most recent mantra is a twist on the famous "Failure is not an option." I prefer in my usage of language to always choose the more positive noun or adjective, hence my creation "Success is the only option." Not sure if I came up with it, so my apologize to those who may have used it prior to myself.

So I keep telling myself this and I'm trying to believe that I can get ahead and make that next step in my life, but I have found that somehow I have become just more and more stressed and that somehow I am in this horrible unresolvable predicament. Myself being "the appeaser"--trying to making everyone happy--is the one whose going to end up screwed in the end. Seven years of school and I, for the life of me, can't solve this problem. If I can't solve it then I may have to give up part of my American Dream and take a few steps back. I know I don't have much to show for it, but I do work hard and I willing to keep working hard in order to reach my goals. The only problem is I really don't have a map of where in the world I should work towards and what in the heck I should be doing.

Throughout my life I have survived on making other people happy. Look at me I've been in the service industry for nearly a decade now and that's exactly what I do. Would you like more soda, what would you like to eat, what else can I get for you? No one ever ask me at my job what I want, what I need?

I am truly grateful for my job and the fact that I am able to make such great tips. I'm just using this as an example of a theme of my life. I'm the type of person who likes buying gifts and I probably spend a little more out of my budget because I don't want to be the cheap one or I want to get something really extra special for that person. If you've read "The 5 Love Languages" one of my top love language is giving gifts. What I'm trying to say is I tend to put others before myself, which I suppose is an admirable trait, but I think it's time to ask what does Carrie need?

I'm the appeaser I try to make things fair for everyone, but in the process I sacrifices a lot for myself. Again, I'm not trying to be ungrateful in any sense, but I think it's time I stepped up to the plate and start standing up for myself. I haven't been getting ahead behaving the way I have been, so maybe it's time to make a change. I'm not planning on being a crazy cut-throat b*itch (pardon me but I felt the expression was necessary), but I think Carrie needs to grows some balls and become a bit more competitive. Hey this is a start! Look at me I used the expression "grow some balls," which is very not me, but I felt like it's something Elizabeth Gilbert would use in her book "Eat, Pray, Love." Side note:Just because I enjoyed the book doesn't mean that I'm going to go on some crazy sabbatical to Italy and I don't have husband to leave obviously. What I'm trying to say is I need to be more of Christina Yang on Grey's Anatomy and right I'm totally a Meredith Grey's I'm "messy" and "damage"--seriously! This is my first serious heart-felt blog and I have to say I'm getting a kick of out making all this reference to pop culture and whatnot.

All of those who know me know I'm a true girlie girl at heart and well three of my current passion are Grey's Anatomy, food, and giving blood. So now knowing this things about me hopefully my blog will make much more sense.

I started writing tonight in the spirit that it is now officially 9/11/10. (Should I write that in AP style? Nah... I see it as 9/11/10) I wanted to...I wanted to... somehow take my God awful day and somehow use 9/11 to put my life into prospective. I wanted to find the silver lining as they would say. But somehow I found the truth about myself--I'm a pushover. I'm not trying to point fingers or say that anyone has particularly used me, but as my parents told me tonight I'm too nice. Is that an oxymoron??? I would think it could be. I'm too nice and I end up losing in the end. Well, America you are the land of opportunity and the land of the oh-so-great capitalism and in order to live the American Dream you MUST be able to compete. So I thank you great nation for your opportunities and I just want to say that I'm in the race and I'm ready to compete. I will not let anyone get me down. I don't know how yet, but I will get ahead. I have to be, I will be a fighter. Success is my ONLY option. I wish you all the best in the American Dream. I believe we can all win and that there is enough resources for us all to flourish, but something worth having is worth fighting for. God Bless American and our soldiers. May our nation stay protected on this 10th anniversary of 9/11. I hope that this blog can help some of you out there reassess yourself and see the detriment of your character. Don't ever stop being you, but you can always be the better version of you.

Sincerely with love, hope and gratitude,
Carrie J. Holt

In the spirit of all thing superstious

Despite all logic and common sense I still believe somewhat in superstitions and that certain things are "lucky." I believe it mostly now-a-days for one reason and one reason only, the law of attraction. The law of attraction states that like attraction like. So positive thoughts attract other positive thoughts and vice versa. So, to me, I think that that my belief in all things lucky is just my way of giving a face to my positive thoughts and my way of encouraging myself to continue to stay positive. My belief in superstition is, in a way, my faith.

So I believe that my lucky number is 11. I was born my March 11 and my grandmother, who I think was a wonderful, successful, strong, amazing woman was born on November 11, which is 11/11. So out of my love for my birth and my love for my grandmother my lucky number was created.

Two days ago was August 11. Well first let me feel you in on some details of my life. The situation is number one, my roommate is moving out in two months and I have yet to find a roommate and I currently do not make enough money to pay the full rent and utilities price. So I am in search of roommate. I have came across a few prospects, but have yet to secure a quality roommate. I wouldn't mind living on my own, but again you know the issue.

Number 2 is I really would like to be able to move on to a new job--an actual career. This would help me out so much. I would have a secure income, and possibly paid sick time, paid vacation AND benefits! All of which I have never had...

So in order to solve all my problems in life I devised a plan to win the lottery. In the spirit of all things superstitious I decided that it would be perfect day to buy a lottery ticket on the 11th, especially because the drawing is on Friday the 13th. So here it is. I am going to win the lottery and I will be able to open my own catering business just like I've been dreaming about and my world will be complete. :)

I CAN NOT WAIT TO WIN.