When You Stop Judging and Start Listening

Judging, what is it? It's YOUR perception of something. Many people while observing something tend to create an opinion of that thing, person, event or behavior they are observing. They especially tend to do this when the action challenges or goes against something they believe in.

But first let's look at what a belief is. It's an idea that our brains come up with from experience. We had fun as a child when we ate ice cream at the fair, so we believe ice cream and fairs are good. We had a dog attack us when we were a young child, so dogs are bad. It's all perception and it is nearly impossible for any two people to have the same perception because they have had entirely different experiences and circumstances.

After reading Eckhart Tolle's both "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" I realize that I need to be more accepting of what is and in order to accept I must not judge. I also realize that many of my reactions are emotion based and irrationally triggered by the ego's defense. Furthermore, I learned that you need to learn not to react.

About a month ago my ex-boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. I chose to let bygones be bygones and to forgive him for the crap that went down a long... 4 years ago when we were probably both very immature. He kept trying to talk to me and I kept trying to ignore him. But he kept popping up. So I gave in and talk to him. He asked if my mom was still trying to hook me up. I told him I dunno kind of. So he offered to set me up, which was his sly way of just asking me out, which I quickly figured out.

He said something really insightful to me. Something along the lines of I don't know if I should set you up, you're just going to try and find something you don't like about him and be unhappy. He actually was kind of partially right. I am so judgmental sometimes. So this guy takes me out on a date. I'm still very guarded about him because in the past I felt like our relationship was sexual based and that was his main motive for dating me.

We talked after we went on the date through text and IM and he's made some comments such as "Let's have sex." and I replied simply with "No." I wanted so bad to get pissed off and shout and him and tell him that I am not a piece of meat to screw and I am a person and you should get to know me better. I wanted to rant about respect or people never change on Facebook. But you know what I did. I did nothing and I continued to talk to him.

I know what you're thinking, Carrie your a moron--this guy is an ass. But I was not going to judge. I also wasn't going to let him have sex with me, so I knew that I could not be used if I didn't let anything happen. I also thought that he wants a reactions and I'm not going to give it to him. Let's surprise him--be different than other girls.

He asked me to hang out last night. I was bored and thought it would really be nice to actual get to enjoy a movie with a male for once and maybe even cuddle. I was hesitant to say yes because I was afraid to put myself in a situation where I would have to say no. But you know what happened I went over there, we snuggle a little and we kissed. That was it. He didn't try anything sexual with me.

So this guy is different. He's guarded and hard to get information out of. He doesn't talk very much. Sometimes he says strange thing like about a gold-digging whore, which he mentioned last night. Then tonight we said something about money buying sluts. I said sluts are free and he said not the gold digger ones. That was the second time he used that word. So I confronted him. I have a feeling you've had bad experience with gold diggers and he reply was, "Houses are slut magnets." That's when it all connected. So just for the sake of legal reasons I am not a doctor, a psychologist, therapist, or any professional in the mental medical field, but I think I've got him figured out. Oh did I mention that after he left and behaved so well he text me and said "You wanted sex, don't lie." and I replied with just "Nope." Then he said told me, "Well thanks for keeping me and my bed company."

This is my assessment. I think that he is afraid of getting used for his money. He must have had experiences where girls wanted to date him because he owned his own house and has a good job. He is afraid because of his past experiences and that girls are out to use him. Just like I was afraid that he is out for sex. Maybe the sexual comments are not about him wanting sex, but him testing me. Or he thinks that all the other girls threw themselves at him in bed so so will I. I think that he has the potential to be a sweet, very kind, person to date, but he doesn't want to get too close because he will get hurt. I don't believe that he is bad person. I think that he has had some experiences in his past that has conditioned him to behave this way. I think that deep down he wants something real. I mean really being slutty is just a person way of feeling a void. I think that I would not have figured any of this out if I did not stop judging and start listening. People might do or say things that you don't agree with, but remember there is a reason for it. Just as you have found your beliefs and habits, so have they. Next time someone does something to upset you stop and be conscious about it. Don't react. Just accept it. If you need to reply say, "Okay." or "Is that so?" or "Oh really?" These are non-emotional reactions and show that you don't disagree or agree, but just accept what they say as their truth.

I think there is so much to gain from doing this and encourage everyone to practice it in your daily life. I feel like I am better friend now because I am able to see past deeper than my own opinion and see the root and heart of people. Maybe I'm wrong about this guy, only time will tell I suppose, but I think that good things will come of it. :)