I started to type this blog to realize that I had not put my contacts in yet. So I got up walked to the bathroom and told myself, "It's really hard to write with no vision." You can quote me on that. That insight has not much to do with the intention of this blog, but it does have have to do with my motivation for writing.
Normally, I take a very logically and sensible approach to my blogs. I try to take all the knowledge I have learned and apply it to my everyday life in order to find a better understanding. But despite my efforts to not be an emotional person and not let my ego overwhelm me with its needs, I feel compelled to write a more emotional blog. I am going to give my emotions the satisfaction of this blog and then let it go.
Even now, when I'm trying to really embrace and fully feel my emotion, I can't. Many of times I get down ridden and I just want to cry and I, for the life of, me can't. My thinking that some how if I cry then through that process my emotions will escape me and I will be free. But I have conditioned myself to be strong and I can't cry.
Today, I'm not so much sad, or disappointed. I don't feel damaged or attacked. I just feel alone and well unstimulated. This morning when I woke up in my bed all by myself I did not have a reason to get up. No one by my side to kiss good morning. No one to hug and feel connected with. Just me...to figure out the day by myself. Just like Dr. Seuss Says, "All...alone whether you like it or not. Alone is something you'll be quite a lot." Here I am all alone. At the age of 25 I imagined myself married and with child. But the process of life has failed me and my dreams. I'm okay with it. I am grateful that I do not have children and I am able to experience the freedoms that I have. Also, I know that a child would be a financial burden that at this time I could not bear. I have just started my career and I could use a few years to really get my foot in the door and create long-lasting and stable finances.
No, I don't want kids. But I do want someone to start a relationship with--someone reliable, someone I can share all aspects of my life with. Someone to just be there for me no matter what. Sometimes I think that if there is a God he teases us. He gives us a tiny little glimpse of what we can have and then he denies it to us. Here's this magical wonderful weekend with a man, but his going to live on the other side of the state. Here's this fun exhilarating night with this other man, but he lives 5 hours away as well. Here is this man only 10 miles away from you, but he is unavailable because he has more important things other than me.
Well I am important dammit and you should give me some attention. Again, I know that this is my ego speaking and that I can be fully successful and have a fulfilling life without a man. But seriously...It would be nice to have one. Really. I have learn to be less judgmental and accept people. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Everyone deserves to be loved including me and him. I've given up trying to think that there is this magical one. Rather I believe that the one is the one you choose it to be. He is the one you put all your negative feelings aside for and only feel adoration and love for. I can do that. I am ready. Love is a challenge and I WILL conquer you.
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