Muse?

I want to write. For my sanity I need to write. Writing helps me let go. It helps me get out everything I need to say. But, I just haven't been very inspired to write. All the thoughts just keep bouncing around in my head and I do not like it.

Today, I'm choosing to give up on Brian. Like for real. No texting, no calling, no IMing. Just giving up. It is going to take a lot of will power, but I know in my heart it is for the best. I deserve more than what he is giving me. I deserve a companion and a friend and I will find one.

I think I'm finally admitting to myself that I was continue what we had for selfish reason. They weren't even self-serving reasons. I guess I said it well enough while talking to Emily. I want to figure him out. I want to crack him. But I can't fix him and it's not my job to. If he doesn't want to open up to me then maybe I'm just not the right person for him and I accept that. I'm not going to let my ego be bother by the fact that I'm not the one.

Like the book and the movie states, "He just not that into me." And that's okay. There has to be someone out there that will be completely and utterly head over heels for me. Just because Brian isn't THAT into me doesn't mean there's something really wrong with me. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am a wonderful woman and I have A LOT to offer. I am very happy with the woman I am and where I am at in life.

Yes, sometimes finding Mr. Right seems hopeless and I'm frustrated and impatient and moody and lonely. But that doesn't mean I should go use someone for my entertainment.

I believe Brian is a good person and that he has a lot to offer the world. I think he can be a sweet caring, generous, thoughtful, compassionate husband to some lucky lady. I just don't know if that lucky lady will be me. I think it's my ego telling me to keep going with him. That eventually he'll change and become more open with me and more attentive... But I can't not enable that behavior right now. I am sad to say goodbye. But I'm afraid I know in my heart it's the right thing. I don't want another Chris breakdown or a Sage incident. I don't want to get so frustrated I blow. I kindly and gently left us like this in a text, "I'm sorry if people treated you badly or whatever happened in the past, but I'm not them and this is now. I've tried to get you to open up to me because I believe there's a sweeter side to you then you show. I can only stay patient for so long. I hope you find what you're looking for."