The American Dream--Why is it so hard???

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Out With the Old, in With the New

Attempting to refresh my life in as many ways as possible; spring cleaning, I will refer to it as. Out with the old, in with the new. This is going to be a complete and total revamp of everything in my life. It has started with a new phone, the iPhone 4 of course. I say go big or go home. I also started cleaning out my closet, which was getting a wee bit cluttered and we all know clutter gives me anxiety. Today after work I went on a huge cleaning spree throughout the apartment. Even though I was feeling tired after each task I manage to find a new task that HAD to be done. I think I did a pretty thorough job, but I'm sure I could probably find some other job to quest upon.

What's next, new wardrobe, new car? Only time will tell what new and exciting things I will throw into my life. I'm not sure why, but all this spring cleaning is so refreshing and stress relieving and it's making me feel really good in some strange way.

I feel like a change of scenery would also be a nice addition to my life-changing transformation. A well-needed vacation shall be planned soon, very soon. Seriously considering going south to visit Melissa. The beach would definitely be salvation as well. Either way I'm going to go somewhere.

This "cleaning" I speak of isn't just about the outside. It's not about material things or monetary value. It's about making a new chapter in my life. It's also about sprucing up my attitude. It seemed to take a turn for the worse immediately prior to my big 2-6. I don't know what it was, but it was like time slapped me right in the face. The number 26 flashed in my head--you're getting old, you're almost 30!

My ego was whispering in my ear, why aren't you in a relationship, why aren't you getting married soon, you need to have kids a.s.a.p.! It was telling me that time was running out and that it's either now or never. Then I was thinking if I haven't found someone right for me by 26 there must be something wrong with me, right? Yeah, I've set goals and time limits for myself... The fact is I hardly ever made my time-limit goals, but I have ALWAYS ALWAYS accomplished my goals and there is no reason why I can't accomplish my others.

The fact is, there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect just the way I am. Being an advocate and preacher of the law of attraction I don't know why in the world I was choosing to focus on all the things I do NOT have and ALL the things I have NOT accomplished. Nothing good will ever come from focusing on the lack-of.

Look at me. I am beautiful. For a second tonight I put myself in a 40 year old's body, myself of course and I looked at myself and said when I'm 40 I'm going to look back and think I was so skinny, I was so beautiful, why couldn't I see it then--if I only knew.

Now is the time to live, now is the time to be free and now is the time to live life just the way it is. It's okay to get older because "you can't move forward into the past." --Facebook Fortune Cookie. I want to accomplish goals, but I don't want to age. Now how is that going to work?

It's hard being strong sometimes. It's hard not knowing how much control I need to take rein over my life.

I think this concept is describe well by a dream I had last night. I was on a farm and there was horse riding and the people were trying to show me how to ride and I told them that I've been on a horse several times before. I know what I'm doing, yet they still guided me by pulling the horse with this contraption. I was kind of irritated because I wanted to ride, but I guess it was nice for someone to guide the way for me. So I suppose the moral of the dream is... that even if you know the way it's okay to let someone else guide you, because you might be pleasantly surprised about where you end up.

So this blog totally took a huge tangent, but I think I said what I needed to say. So all is well.
The point is getting rid of the old shitty attitude is refreshing and having a cleaning neat, clutter-free place is quite nice, as well. :) All this remodeling is going to make me tired, speaking of I'm exhausted... I think it will be for the better and telling myself that I CAN keep it up. I have so much and there's so much more to be had, if I only ask for it. Thank you all for reading and goodnight.

It's Only Up From Here

Usually, metaphorically to go down is a negative thing. There's the old saying, "digging a hole for myself," or "digging a hole you can't get out of." Also, down is associated with hell, which is very very bad. Then some say "It can only go up from here." So going up is a good thing right? Climbing the corporate latter or higher man on the totem pole--all good things. Then why is it when you age goes up it's a bad thing? Well, at least it's a bad thing after you've hit all the landmarks such as; sweet sixteen, 18 adult, 21 drinking age, 25 quarter of a century. After that it's so scary!!!

I don't know why, but this birthday is making me feel sooo.... depressed and I know I shouldn't be. I know that my life is good and that I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. I'm healthy. I don't struggle to pay the bill. I'm able to live a comfortable life and I don't really have too much to worry about. But still, something is missing.

I think we all know from my post what that missing thing is, intimate love. I can't exactly tell you why I want it so bad, but I do and it's been something that I always have. I've always dreamed of being with my dream man ever since I was a little girl.

Lately, I've had two wedding proposal dreams, so marriage is definitely on the mind, even though I feel like I'm not even close to achieving it. I even had a dream I was getting married, which is a first. I've had baby dreams way before I had marriage dreams.

Marriage, I don't want to just jump into it. In the last month I've found out that two my girlfriends got or is getting a divorce and that is just SO crazy to me. I guess it's good that I'm really taking my time to find the absolute right guy, because I want him to stick. Forever and ever!!!

Like I like to say, "Success is my only option." I believe that good things are going to happen in my life. I think that love is going to happen soon--very soon. I think that I'm going to keep a positive attitude and keep reaching for my goals.

I am more than capable of making things happen in my life and I will accomplish my goals. There is no doubt in my mind that with perseverance and determination that I can do anything I want to do. I believe in me.

Love Isn't Clean Like That

I wrote this last year in my drama class and it was one I really enjoyed writing and one of my favorite pieces. It's about the play The Clean House. I think the course of the play is pretty well explain in the writing. If you are confused... Wikipedia it. Thanks...Enjoy!!!

Love, everyone wants it, but few actually understand what it is and what it takes to obtain and maintain it. It’s quite sad that this powerful thing called love is so misused and misunderstood. It is one of those things that is subjective and open to interpretation, much like jokes. In the play The Clean House the characters show that love is not always easy and it does not always come without a price. “Love isn’t clean like that. It’s dirty. Like a good joke,” Matilde, Lane’s maid says. Sometimes jokes offend people and when that occurs they usually are not regarded as funny. Sometimes in love people get hurt and not everyone can win.

In life there are many actions that people may not like, but really those issues need to be addressed sooner rather than later. Like an offensive joke, if a joke offends someone it would be beneficial for that person to confront the joke teller sooner rather than later, because if they don’t those negative feelings might build and fester. Same goes with the expression of positive feelings, when someone hears a joke they immediately laugh. Like love it should be expressed when immediately felt, but often people hold back those feelings and don’t express them at moment they are felt. Real love should be expressed and not held back.

In the play Charles could not deny his draw to Ana and he did the right thing by clearing the air early on, “Lane I want us all to know each other. I want to do things right, from the beginning,” he states as he introduces his new love Ana to his wife. His love for Ana was not something he wasn't looking for and something he meant to do, but just by nature it happened and this time it was a different kind of love. “If a person was good enough, an equally good person would fall in love with that person. And then I met—Ana. Justice had nothing to do with it,” Charles said. There are many kinds of love making it “dirty” and complicated. The first kind he is talking about is the practical reasonable kind, the kind that makes sense. This is the kind that most people find. The second love he describes having with Ana is the extraordinary kind, the kind very few find and that is not driven by reason, but by an unexplainable force.

Just like many jokes people can get hurt. Lane is the butt of this joke when her husband decides to leave her for an older woman. She is the victim. “Poor Charles? Poor Ana? Poor me!” Lane says. In a way though, Lane understands her husband and why he and Ana did what they did. She must understand it if she is kind enough to care for Ana while she is dying. The reason why she helps Ana may be because she knows how much her husband loves her and she still loves her husband, so this is the only way she can she shows how much she cares for him. Perhaps Lane’s love for Charles is unconditional and this is why she is willing to do this for him, or maybe she wants to prove that she is good woman and the one to be had. For some people there is no way in hell that they would help their husband’s dying mistress. This is why love is regarded as dirty. While in love everyone performs differently, acts differently and all have their own meanings and interpretation of what love is—just like a joke love can be fun, funny, happy, successful, motivating, inspirational, or it can be miserable, sad, offensive, and difficult to understand. But clearly from everyone who has experienced real life “love is not clean.”

Limiting Expectations

Expectations, why do people have expectations? Why can't we have a "let's wait and see" attitude. I'm not sure why other's have expectations, but I can explore why I have expectations--control. I want control, over what you say? My life, I want control over my life. You see, I'm a planner and as I have examined my whole life I have always been a planner.

I remember as a young girl day dreaming in the bathtub and imaging how I would like my life to be. I saw what I wanted and I thought if I thought about it hard enough and I wish for it with all my heart then it would eventually come. Sadly, I was wrong. None of my day dreams ever came true and I ended up as one thing, disappointed. So, what do I yet still have expectations? Why can't I just let go and let thing be as they are?

The thing about control is that it is completely one sided. You can have control over only one person and that one person is you. All the other people in the world, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much they love you or you love them, you can't control them. You see that person also has a picture in their head of how their life should be and the likelihood of it matching up with yours is very slim.

In life it's okay to have goals, but the fun thing about goals is you usually have no idea how you're going to achieve them, or you might have ideas and you might try them and you might fail miserably. In that case your plan doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean that you still can't reach your goal. So what I'm saying is expectations are not good, because they insinuate that they are the end-all be-all. That they are the only way. I expect this to happen and you believe it will whole-heartedly, so you fail to make a back-up plan. So then when it doesn't happen the way you want it you are crushed, devastated, stocked and hurt. How could the world fail to live up to MY expectations, how could this person not agree with my plan? Where in my execution did I have a flaw? There had to be a flaw some where, because there isn't any flaws in me and everything in my life should be perfect, right? Wrong!

I know this is super cliche, but as they say, nothing worth having comes easy and oh, how that feels like an understatement sometimes. It amazing how one disappoint can change your whole view, your whole mood, effect you whole life for those short few days where you're going through the emotions. First, you're happy to be executing your plan, then it's over, then you wait, then you're confused, then your discouraged, then self-conscience, then your bitter, then angry, then sad, then depressed, then bothered, then annoyed, then calm, then hopeful, then determined, then triumphant. Then you let it all go and you move on to the next journey and next attempt at accomplishing your goal.

It is really amazing how one thing can just cause this flood of emotions. I guess that really goes to show that this thing that you are persuing is really important to you and that when it doesn't come to be that it will be a very joyful, amazing experience. I think the fact that it causes such emotions means that it is a very passionate and meaningful subject to you and that's you will go above and beyond and dig deep and far, and high and low, to find it and to make it something that will last.

Emotions can seem like a bad things, especially negative ones... But really I think it's the negative ones that make you work so hard for the positive ones and they really do make the positive ones so much more worth the wild. I used to be afraid of my negative emotions, but now I can see that they aren't always that bad and sometimes being strong enough to let them out is even stronger than holding them in. You let yourself be vunerable and to show that you are not perfect and you're not always this face you put on... To show that you too have your demons makes you human. It's makes you relatable. No ones perfect, everyone has their flaws and if you show them, them maybe other people can help you.

So the point here is... It's okay to have goals, but don't be set on one exact outcome. Secondly, emotions show about how much you think about something and it's okay to show weakness because sometimes people might really appreciate that side of you and that might make you more inviting somehow. So stay positive, have more than one plan for things and and never settle for less than what you want. It may take some trial and error to figure out exactly what you want, but it's a journey we all must go on. So for all now, good night and don't let emotions get to your dreams, because dreams and meant for creating the good. Night!