Lego My Ego

The ego, it doesn't serve us very well most days. It makes us defensive, anxious, reactive. The ego many times is not logical. The ego thinks that we are under attack all the time. Sometimes mentally we are under attack, because many people attacks each others characters. The reality is survival, in the painless of the sense, does not take the approval of others. Really all we need is shelter, water, food and well, of course, a little physical affection. (see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for further explanation) The truth is it doesn't matter a whole lot what other people think. Yeah, it's nice to have friends and family on your side, but you don't always have to agree to get them on your side. When you start getting defensive and angry at each other because you feel "wrong" is really where the trouble is. So really, it is just better to agree to disagree.

Remember when I wrote the blog about you have to stop judging and start listening. This skill keeps enriching my life day by day and I'm so glad I have implemented it into my life. I know this person whose actions would normally offend me, but because I choose not to be ego driven I feel a lot less pain in my heart. This person has actually slowly opened up to me and showed me what they are about and what drives them. It's really cool to figure some one out that you don't get. It takes A LOT of patience. I mean tons, but in the end it's pretty enriching and satisfying.

I know this whole thing may seem vague and may be a little confusing. That's because it would just be too difficult for me to tell the whole story. I just hope that it is encouraging and enlightening. I don't write for others anyhow. I write for myself. So it is...

Fear

Fear is a well-known feeling. It is a feeling that comes to us at a very young age. But does it ever really leave us? Maybe not. Although, I think it's safe to save that it does take different forms. I remember being a child and thinking that there was Bloody Mary in my mirror and feared to go to the bathroom alone. There was also something under my bed, so when I got out of bed each morning I was forced to hop down quickly and race down the stairs to the safety of my mom. I even pulled the "I can't reach the light switch on the bathroom" so my mom would come into the bathroom with me.

I did everything to avoid my fear. When I was younger my fears were so real and so prominent. The fears raced through my body making my heart race and body shake. It's one of the reason today that I hardly like to sleep without any type of covers in bed. Hiding under my cover at night tightly bundled was the only way I knew how to protect myself from the monsters and dead bodies. I still wrap myself up like a burrito at bedtime. Even though those fears are completely and utterly irrational to me now and I understand that they were just figments of my imagination created because older brothers locked me in my closest and screamed, "There's a dead body in there." My parents also let me watch scary movies with my older siblings, which didn't help either.

The point I'm trying to get at is that I have behaviors I learned through fears in my past that I'm still holding on to, so subconsciously... am I still scared?

But like I was saying fear is something you usually feel with the adrenaline, heart racing; the flight or flight response, right? But can you have a fear and not feel it? Can there be something in you holding you back that you are unaware of? If so... How do protect yourself? Or how do you get rid of it? Maybe it isn't until you truly fully feel it that you can fix it. Who knows?

I think I have a fear lurking in the background of my life and this time I'm going to remove the covers... layer by layer. Because fear you are not serving me well.

Changing Minds

In my last post I talk about going after, diving towards love. Searching high and low, near and far to find someone to date. Okay, I didn't really say that, but I was very gun ho about being proactive about dating. I think my attitude is starting to change again. I don't want looking for a mate on my mind all the time. I want to think about how to make Carrie happy and to focus in on me.

I need to figure out what I truly want and how to make those visions a reality. I need to figure out if what I'm asking of the world is reasonable and feasible. I need to know that I'm not asking for too much, or maybe I am. I need to ease the longing to be with someone else and find contentment in being by myself. I need to accept what is and that there is a plan for me, a very clever one. One that will make a big impact. One that will make many people smile. Now I feel like I'm being a little silly.

Friends! I need more friends. I need to expand my horizon. I need to just be out there in the world being me and being the best me I can be. Energized and ready to take on the world. If only I had as much excitement in real life as I do in my writing. Maybe I should just become a motivation coach from the comfort of my own bed. Is that an oxymoron??? lol.

Maybe I will become a motivational coach one day. I could see myself doing that. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe I'll do it as a side business along with my event planning business. Ideas.... I always have so many ideas, but the execution I lack in. That was from some movie, I forget which one. Well.... This has been a strange blog.

Tomorrow. I expect great things from you. I will not settle for anything, but great. I was going to say amazing, but I think great is sufficient. Thank you for your time all.

Sincerely,
The Truly Unique Carrie

Gloomy with a Hint of Sunshine Here and There

Gloomy with a hint of sunshine here and there is how I would describe my mood lately. It's been flowing in and out of being okay, to upset, to being okay again. I've really been trying to focus on my work and just being successful and learning and growing in my career. If you don't have anything better to do than might as well make that money.

Now is the time to build my skills and build my career. I really need to do well and make progress and have something to show for all my hard work. I want to make a difference and make an impact.

I feel like I haven't been maintaining my personal relationships very well. I don't know where all this falling out came from. Maybe it is because I have been working a lot more than I am used to. Maybe it's because the cold makes me to stay inside and be a hermit. Maybe it's because I'm in this transitional place in my life, going from college young life to professional important adult mature life.

I don't mean to snub my nose at people like I'm better than them because I have an education. I still have a lot to learn. But sometimes you are on a different level then other people because of your experiences and education.

I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to get drunk. I can't go out on weekdays anymore, at least not very late. When I get off work I want to relax and unwind. I have responsibilities.

When I was younger it was easy to know what to do. You hang out with friends a lot, you drink and party alot and well you manage to learn and go through school somehow. But now, with no husband, no family, just me on my own, what do I do? What does a single 25-year-old woman do with her free time??? And so I discover... and I point myself in a direction and walk.

I'm working on it. I'm working on me and being the best me I can be. Discovering what drives me and what holds me back. Because I don't want to be held back by anything. I will conquer and I will succeed. Whenever I have set a goal in the past, whether it be getting my drivers licence, finding a new job, graduating college or getting a new job. I decided what I wanted and I went after it. I didn't just wait for it to come to me. I had my struggles, oh how I had my struggles. But the thing is I never gave up. I hit my speed bumps, but eventually I got there and it felt good. I have come a long way and I'm still going and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

I realize the way I have been doing some things in the past haven't work towards building a relationship and family, so I'm going to try something else and hopefully figure out what works for me. :) Wishing myself good luck.

And the Beat Goes On

...The beat of my heart longing and urging to find my one true love. I'm being way over the top and exaggerating for theatrical sake. Remember when I wrote about if you want something you have to go after it and be proactive. Like when you're searching for a job you have to put in applications and go on interviews and do the work. You're not going to find a job sitting on your ass. Well, at least the likelihood of someone just randomly coming up to you and offering you a job is slim.

Well, that's how I feel about dating and love. Yeah, you can just sit around and wait for Mr. Right to come to you, or... you can go looking for him. You can meet people and go on dates and put yourself out there. So, that's what I've been doing. I signed up for online dating and so far in the last month I've gone on dates with two guys and well they weren't bad dates, it's just that chemistry, the spark, the connection that makes you think wow I'd really like to hang around this person more just hasn't been there. It really is a shame because they seem like really nice guys, just not the right guy for me.

Something happened yesterday that was pretty cool though. It was really busy at work and a little chaotic and I felt like I was running in circles. But I was kind of chit chatting with this guy I was serving, not flirting; he was with a girl. I assumed the girl was his date or girlfriend, but apparently not because the guy wrote his phone number on the credit card slip and told me to "call him." So I'm thinking... well obviously I could talk to this guy fairly well and he seemed nice. I don't exactly recall if I was physically attracted to him so much because I was in work mode and he was with another girl, so I wasn't trying to check him out. I don't do things like that. So I'm debating whether or not I should call him. I think I should. It might be fun. You never know. It couldn't hurt.

Interesting things keep happening at work and it's kind of fun. Even though last night was crazy, hectic... But I got to keep my head up and stay focus and keep doing what I'm doing. Being successful and keeping a smile on my face.

One Heck-Ova Day

Today was going fairly normal. I was working at both jobs, my first double of the week. I got to the restaurant and it was slow. My GM was complaining LIKE crazy as usual and he continued to complain the WHOLE night. He had absolutely nothing positive or encouraging to say to any of us and I was beginning to get a little pissed off. Like really? Is this supposed to be good for moral, because I really don't think this is the way to want to get people to want to work for you. But that's besides the point.

Something amazing happened at work today. So sometimes I look at the names on the credit cards people pay with and thank them by name. So the last name of this man was Christopherson--wow that name is long! I'm so glad there is only 4 letters in my name. So I went to the man and I said thank you Mr. Christopherson, and I asked it that corrected. He said yes. I said that's quite a name and the man replied, "Yes, it's 14 letters long." I always make this joke about getting married and having to change my name because my name is SO short and I would hate to have to spell out this really really long last name. So, without thinking, I said I pray to God that guy I meet has a short name. Then the man said funny you said you pray to God and he asked me for my hand and he started to pray.

He prayed that "this young lady" could find a man and good one, one that would treat her well and take care of her and support her and be a good man and that she would find him when she least expected. It was a really awesome prayer. You know that I'm not really "religious," but I have my beliefs and I have some faith. It's just different. But I was amazed that this man, who had only know me for maybe an hour, was sweet enough and kind enough, to want something great like an awesome mate for me. It really touched me and it was really that little glimmer of hope that I really needed. I feel so blessed to have him pray for me and I feel really good about finding love or rather, love coming to me. I know I deserve the world and I won't settle for less.

But now writing this it makes me think. Was this man a Saint? Look at his name Christopherson??? Christ offer son? Weird? I think so!

Then the day ended with me getting a counterfeit $100, but I still think it was an awesome night, because someone loves me and that's all that matter!