Tis' the season to be jolly?

I've been blogging and wanting to write throughout December and yet somehow I have escaped writing a holiday blog. So here it is!

I admit I have been a Scrooge this Christmas and I'm sorry for that. I have attempted with all that is in me not to be a bah-hum-bug, but by some uncontrollable force I haven't been able to help it.

So here it is--me analyzing my poor, bitter unhappy mood. Christmas, when I was younger was exciting magical. When you are younger and you believe in Santa there such an anticipation that builds waiting inside you. You are so anxious tossing and turning wondering when Santa is going to come, but you know that he will not come unless you fall asleep so you must put your excitement aside to force yourself to sleep.

Then you awake early in the morning to find your stocking stuffed. It's filled with candy and socks and make-up and little toys, whatever is age appropriate of course.

Then the task of dragging your parents out of bed, so you can see what amazing special once-a-year special things that the good holiday brings. This is the one time of the year when you get really really big things. The one time of year your parents splurged on you.

But now I'm old... No Santa to look forward to. No stocking. I'm at my own place...all alone. My parents give me nice things, but I don't feel I deserve them anymore. At this age I should be married starting my own family. I should have a child that I am Santa for.

I should be arguing with my mate over whose house we will go over this year.

I shouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve drinking screw drivers and watching "The Holiday" alone. But here I am and this is it... This is my life. It's not what I thought it would be, but it is what it is.

I have had magical moments before, so they have to be able to happen again. I just don't know when. My time will come though. One time... I'll have my happily ever after Christmas and I'll be where I think I should be. :)

Patience Equals Virtue?

They always say that patience is a virtue, but why? Why is it a virtue? If you see something in life that you want then why can't you go after it and have it? Like I just think that when I think of patience I think of the person sitting in the chair, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for their name to be called and in some incidences that is fine to do. But sometimes I think that there is things you need to dive after and do whatever it takes to obtain them. Like a job--you're not going to get a job by just sitting around waiting for someone to offer you a job. You are going to make a resume, edit your resume, have someone else check that resume. Then you will submit that resume over and over and over again until someone calls you....Then you'll go on an interview. You may get the job, but you might have to keep submitting applications. But eventually you find a job. But you don't do it by just sitting around and waiting for it.

So what about finding the love of your life? What are you supposed to do about that? There's not application you can feel out is there? Sure you can go on dates, but got to make sure the people you're going on a date with are worth the wild. Well, I'm tired of being patient about finding love. It's love. It's so simple, but yet I don't have it. It should be easier then finding a job. It's love, it should be easy for someone to love me. I don't want to wait around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it to come to me. I want to dive into head first.

Muse?

I want to write. For my sanity I need to write. Writing helps me let go. It helps me get out everything I need to say. But, I just haven't been very inspired to write. All the thoughts just keep bouncing around in my head and I do not like it.

Today, I'm choosing to give up on Brian. Like for real. No texting, no calling, no IMing. Just giving up. It is going to take a lot of will power, but I know in my heart it is for the best. I deserve more than what he is giving me. I deserve a companion and a friend and I will find one.

I think I'm finally admitting to myself that I was continue what we had for selfish reason. They weren't even self-serving reasons. I guess I said it well enough while talking to Emily. I want to figure him out. I want to crack him. But I can't fix him and it's not my job to. If he doesn't want to open up to me then maybe I'm just not the right person for him and I accept that. I'm not going to let my ego be bother by the fact that I'm not the one.

Like the book and the movie states, "He just not that into me." And that's okay. There has to be someone out there that will be completely and utterly head over heels for me. Just because Brian isn't THAT into me doesn't mean there's something really wrong with me. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am a wonderful woman and I have A LOT to offer. I am very happy with the woman I am and where I am at in life.

Yes, sometimes finding Mr. Right seems hopeless and I'm frustrated and impatient and moody and lonely. But that doesn't mean I should go use someone for my entertainment.

I believe Brian is a good person and that he has a lot to offer the world. I think he can be a sweet caring, generous, thoughtful, compassionate husband to some lucky lady. I just don't know if that lucky lady will be me. I think it's my ego telling me to keep going with him. That eventually he'll change and become more open with me and more attentive... But I can't not enable that behavior right now. I am sad to say goodbye. But I'm afraid I know in my heart it's the right thing. I don't want another Chris breakdown or a Sage incident. I don't want to get so frustrated I blow. I kindly and gently left us like this in a text, "I'm sorry if people treated you badly or whatever happened in the past, but I'm not them and this is now. I've tried to get you to open up to me because I believe there's a sweeter side to you then you show. I can only stay patient for so long. I hope you find what you're looking for."

The Vows

Today is the big day, my best friend's wedding and I'm the Maid of Honor. It is still incredibly hard to believe that she really is getting married. Getting married is any cultural is a huge step and really big deal. It is a commitment to the same person for the rest of your life.

Today seems yet still so surreal. I don't think I'll believe it until I'm there watching them say their vows. But I'm not sure why I feel differently about this wedding then I did about my brothers. My brothers I was just so excited. But this one... Maybe because society has tainted marriage so much and I just fear for my friend.

But I'm going to make a point to change my attitude right now now and keep the positive attitude that I know I can have. I do believe in love and faith. I believe in triumphing over all obstacles. I believe that love is a choice you make everyday. I believe it's fighting through the obstacles and never giving up on one another.

I can't help but think forward to when will it be my time? And I have to keep that same positive attitude and know that I have the right to choose love and to do so as much as I can. But for now today is not about me. It's her time to shine and we'll worry about me later.

So shall it be. Congratulation. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love... Farewell.