Tis' the Season to Be Lonely

Mistle toe, cozying up to the fire, picking out a tree and decorating it together. Scratch...there will be none of that, because well Carrie is STILL single. I know what you're thinking; hasn't she been single forever? My answer is YES, well it sure feels like it. It's actually been about 3 years and 8 months. So you're asking what's wrong with her? Answer: I have NO idea, please inform me if you do. 

I even went out on a limb and ask a guy out that I had originally deemed really sweet, but not right for me. I felt like he still posessed many great qualities and felt, well maybe that's what's wrong, I don't give the guys a fair chance. I wasn't exactly, but I feel a little stood up by him tonight. He was supposed to text me and let me know if he was free on Sunday and he completely has yet to notify me. Here I am thinking, oh how eager he will be to talk to me again and to see me again and he ignores me...like every other guy. 

I have no idea how I'm supposed to show people who I am if they are constantly ignoring me. It's like I don't exist sometimes. Like I don't really even matter. I'm not sure why. I think I matter. I have a lot of interesting things to say. I'm fun, upbeat, child-like. I like cookies and hot cocoa and ice skating and magic... 

Pathetic thing is...I asked Santa for a boyfriend this year. Yeah, a boyfriend. I know I'm not supposed to pessimistic and I know I'm supposed to have faith in myself, but how am I supposed to do that when all the sign point to alone alone alone............ Put a big sign on my head. I AM ALONE... People say loniless is a state of mind. Like when you feel all alone in a big crowded room. That's not me... I actually am alone. Crazy thing is...even my mom was to busy for me. What IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?  What is wrong with me?!?!? 

It happens when you least expect. Well you know what I LEAST expect anything to happen to me because I feel stuck in this habitual cycle of going no where, being ignore and not being good enough for people to prioritize TIME FOR ME. 

This isn't by best written blog, but it's real and I needed to vent. Hopefully there some people out there that can relate. 

FresNO? or FreYes?

Let's examine. I've lived in Clovis/Fresno area my whole life. While there is an abundance of things to complain about amongst them are: the heat, car thieft, the gangs, the hoods of highly unintelligent beings, poverty, bums, and the lack of job. But overall I don't feel like it's a terrible place to live. We can get to both mountains and beach in roughly 2 1/2 hours. We have LA a mere 4ish hours a way, the beautiful San Francisno, and let's not forget our National Park Yosemite. Afterall, Clovis is the gateway to the Sierras. We have two water parks, two great concert venues that attract big names, two water parks, 3 1/2 movie theatres, 3? Walmarts, more than 5 Targets, along side many other of luxury places to go. Basically Fresno is what you make it and if you really seek out something to do it's not really hard to find. Except...quality men.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just my unexplainable, unimaginable high standards. I kid you not though to find a single, honest man, who has a job, car, and doesn't live with his parents who isn't a complete idiot seems nearly impossible in this town and trust me I've looked. I've been on OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, and Tinder. I've asked friends. I've gone to bars. I've went to the golf range. I've search high and low for a mature serious man who has his priority straight and that I have a connection with and I have had no luck.

This weekend I did manage to come across two men that were quite handsome and seem really sweet and sane. The only thing is the way I'm totally digging is where? Seattle. Yup... 737 miles away. WHY???

I know that what's meant to be will be? But come on Universe give me a break? What are you trying to tell me? What does this all mean? Are you trying to torture me?

Have You Met the Single Men in Fresno?

I was silenced on the spot by mortification when the other day at Thanksgiving my sister-in-law's father blurted out, "So it's been like 4-5 years since I've seen you with a guy." I basically stated I had dated a guy for like 5 months and that didn't work out and yeah...said "Have you met the men in Fresno?"

So it's not like I haven't made an attempt to meet men, oh I have and probably much more than you think. I'm just a little reserve about it. But I thought I would have a little sense of humor and talk about the types on men I come across along and why they aren't my cup of tea. 

The Gamers

I'm not just talking about video games, I'm talking those cards games too. The ones that all the nerds played Freshmen year of High School. Take it video games are cool, but when they list them as their interest in the first sentence of their profile, uh red flag! Besides I've found video games is code for "chubby" i.e. inactive and sits on their butts a lot. 

The Muscle

Yes, there are plenty of hot men out there with really big muscles, tans, and big smiles. But do I really want someone who spends 3 hours a day at the gym? Besides I'm not really into huge muscles. Big muscles and someone who spends hours at the gym seems like someone who is selfish and self-centered. I want someone healthy, but I need attention to and I fear that they will be to into their own needs to meet my needs. 

The Overly Eager

You send them a message and they send one back. You're busy with a job, gym, life, etc. and you are still maybe feeling this guy out to see if you want to really talk to him. You read his message, but don't reply immediately. They continue to send you a "How's your night going?" message. You still don't have time to reply. Then they send a message asking you a question and then a good morning message. I'm sorry, but that reaks of desperation. Play it cool guys and wait for us to reply before you blow up our inbox. 

The Tattooed and Pierced

I'm an old fashion girl. In my early years of work a guy (who had a fair amount of tattoes) told me he didn't like tattos on girls. He compared them to graffitti and said that he thought women were already beautiful canvases and didn't need it. I feel that way about myself and I'm proud that I have no tattos. Take it I don't mind some tattoes, but there are so many men that are covered in tattos. I feel the same way about men, as I do about myself. We are beautiful and we don't need all that art on us. Besides, some of the tattoos are is just creepy, strange and sometimes demonic looking. You have to wonder what goes through their mind when they decide to put that on themselves.

Honestly I could go on and on, but I don't have all night. My point is I'm just looking for a normal clean-cut guy, with his stuff together and have his priorities straight. I'm looking for a confident man, who doesn't hide behind video games, obessess over "beach" muscles, doesn't seem desperates and isn't covered in tattos. Is that too much to ask?

Fear of Falling

When we were kids we never really had a fear of falling and if we did it usually did not stop us from doing what we wanted. Riding bikes, roller blading, skateboarding, all those risky dynamic things we did without reserve. We didn't think about the disaster it would be when we fell right flat on our faces; we did it for the pleasure, fun and joy it brought to us. When we did fall, yeah it hurt a little, but we didn't stop us from experiencing more joy and fun. We got back up and for the next adventure.

As we grow older we fall harder. We aren't as graceful and the shame of walking down the street with those wounds embeds in our hearts. We can't do this anymore, because the pain is too great to bare. The pain stays with us in our hearts and our memories and when we try to do it again the heat of fire burns inside us. The intuition inside our bodies finding all the what-ifs.

Then it fills like the more we desire it, the more we hesitant to be open about it. We grow a hope, a desire so big that if it is smashed than it is that much more of a devastation. So we do nothing and let it slowly shrink back inside ourselves. Then we end up not knowing the joy it would bring and opportunity at greatness we had. The chance is lost and it all fades away.

Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to open yourself up to someone without using technology or a crunch of some sort? Why do we not take chances like we used to?

Approaching 30 and Dating

As a 28-year-old women I find myself wanting to date more than ever before. I feel the crunch of time on my ovaries and I know that my baby-making years are growing slimmer by the minute. I even went off birth control for about 3 weeks (not on purpose) and let me tell you that my body is telling me that it is time for me to reproduce. Now you ask why am I telling you all this? Because I want other women in my situation to know that they are not alone. Also to informed the the younger women to what they may have in store for them. I only wish I had some warning in this game called dating.

Lately, I feel like my life is surreal and ask myself, "Is this really happening to me?" I'm 28-years-old and I'm still single and have had one slightly serious relationship. One has got to ask, what is wrong with me? My answer: nothing. Nothing is wrong with me and nothing is wrong with you if you find yourself in this very same situation. Just because we refuse to settle for some sorry-ass mediocre man does not mean there is anything wrong with us, but seriously these dates are like one out of a movie.

To prove my point let's recall the last four men I went out with:

Former co-worker: I was not interested in really, but I knew he had been interested in me for a while, so I gave him a chance and we went to the zoo. I was more bored and needed someone to go with than anything. Apparently this was NOT a date because he didn't even pay for my eight-dollar admission, he swore like a sailor and I had to remind him that small children were around and he smoked and threw his butts on the ground. Winner? I think not.

Online "Sports Store Manager":  I put this in quotes because I doubt that he actually was a manager. He asked me whether I drank Bud Light or Coors Light and asked if ice tea had caffeine in it??? He also threw straw paper at my face like a 11-year-child. This is not elementary school men, you don't show a women you like her by being "mean" to her. When I asked him if he had roommates he said, "Yeah, my parents." At least he paid for dinner...

"The Fix Up": Best friend texts me and ask if she could fix me up. He's a really nice guy makes really good money,she said. There was something suspicious about him from the beginning. I wasn't initially that attracted to him, but he was okay and I'm a firm believer of personally really can make a man. So always being criticized for being too "picky" I decided to appease my friend by going out on one date with him. He invited me to Teppanyaki. Not the best choice for a first date because it's a little difficult to converse there, but I was trying to go with the flow and I really like Teppanyaki. Well, he asked me if I had any tattoos and that was about the limit to his inquiries about me. When I asked about his job he said he quit his job and was doing some "side projects." He also said he had a job lined up making $50/hour if he wanted it. His gloating wasn't flattering and I found myself with my outstanding social skills carrying the entire conversation. The man did drop over $100 on dinner, BUT I find out a couple weeks later that he was arrested on multiple felony charges, grand theft, a felon possessing firearms, operating a chop shop, etc. No, I'm not kidding I went out on a date with a man who is on his way to prison and that meal was probably from stolen money.Thanks for the set up.

The Former College Classmate: This one suggested we do the Starbucks thing, typical man who can't plan a date. I suggested frozen yogurt, low cost and in a very public place. When he approached and smiled I realized why he hadn't smile with his teeth in his pics. Not a deal breaker though. We walked around for a little bit before getting our fro yo. Conversation was, eh mediocre. This was the deal breaker. When getting our self-serve fro yo he managed to get ahead of me and when a cashier became open just walked up and paid for it, just his, didn't wait for me. I'm sorry I'm not trying to look to date a millionaire and don't care how much money they make, but if you don't have the manners or the cash to pay for my $2.97 cup of yogurt that's a DEAL BREAKER. Take it he did walk me to my car, but then had me drive him to his... I actually considered going out with him again stating that he maybe just hasn't dated in a while, but even my non-dating friends told me no. I think their judgement is sound.

So if you wonder what's "wrong" with me. I say nothing, because these are NOT men I want a forever with and not genes or manners I want to pass on to my children.

That's all for now.  -The Girl Who Fell Too Much

The Red Easter Basket

They were packing up all her stuff for it had no use anymore. Who knows where it would go, but it could no longer be here. My grandmother passed away when I was three years old. It wouldn't be until years later that I would feel the shortcoming of losing her.

I didn't know her very well, but in my eyes she was a success. Her first business was not only lucrative, but something she was passionate about. She was the epitome of a woman, she was into fashion and hair and she was a wonderful cook and baker.

Not only did my older family go through her things and find what they deemed valuable, but so did I. At the age of 3 I tracked down a red Easter basket, which continue to be my special Easter basket throughout my childhood and what did I fill that basket with? Sprinkles. Yup, I manage to find a whole basket full of sprinkles. Grandma had every sprinkle imaginable. Red ones, green ones, confetti... She loved to bake and she had them all.

So as everyone went about their business I went around guarding my very special sprinkles. I'm pretty sure I ate them and lick the caps. So as I was baking and making very yummy treats for Easter, which I happen to buy rainbow dotted sprinkles for it brought me back to the memories of my grandma and who she used to be.

I wish I had gotten to know her more and learned from her. Not only did she have her own beauty salon, but with the help of my uncle she manage to open the very first two Taco Bells in Merced. She was successful and talented and I just wish I could have gotten to know this lady just a little bit more.

I love to bake and I think I got that from her. So now I try to live on in her memory and just to make people's day a little brighter by the things I make. After all, sprinkles make the world a lot brighter.

Insane, Doing the Same Thing and Expecting the Different Results

The other day I overheard my boss say this quote, which I have heard many times before, but it never really registered with me until that moment. I thought to myself my life is pretty stagnant, am I insane? Let's back up for a second and review my goals, number one: find a new career/money-making opportunity, number two: find someone nice to date, and number three: lose weight, get in shape.

In the last two years I have squeaked by with odds-and-ends jobs and I've gone on dates, dated one guy for about 5 months and manage to "maintain" my weight with a little fluctuation. But all-in-all life hasn't really changed. So I thought, maybe I am doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So, today I went into my day with a different perspective. I thought about the small things that I could change that would help me do things to reach towards my goals. My main focus today was health. The co-workers decided to order Mexican, which I LOVE and normally can't resist, but I had a healthy salad with tuna on it. So instead of saying forget the salad I decided to stick with it and it turned out to be a really nice lunch. Not only did I get a TON of vitamins from it I also didn't feel like taking a nap immediately proceeding my break.

Next, after fairly healthy meal and logging my food I said, you know what I need to work out. I was tempted to take my nice after-dinner relaxing shower, but then I thought if I take a shower right now I'm not going to work out. I can change my routine to make time for it. You know what it felt great and now I have SOOO much energy, not sure if that's a good or bad thing at 10 p.m.

So, yes I do make a huge effort to be healthy, BUT I always fall off the wagon and when I do that I regress to my old ways doing the same thing and expecting different results. Looking at my goals I put health last, but I really think it needs to come first. After all it is going to improve my mood, my energy and all around my spirit, so hopefully it will be the first step for me reaching all my goals.

So to all you out there in Blogland, don't be insane change it up and see new results.

The Girl Who Fell Too Much Origin

So I never really explained the title to my blog and I thought since I feel like writing and I can't seem to collect and organize my current emotions well enough to put them together to produce and insightful blog that I would go in this direction.

The Girl Who Fell Too Much, well for me it's pretty self-explanatory. Let's just say that I tend to learn the hard way, which isn't always fun--just like falling, it's hurts and sometimes it's hard and takes a while to pick yourself back up.

I have made my share of mistakes... Little downfalls, but usually ones that hold be back in some way. I can't say that anything has really been all that dramatic. It's not like BIG disasters  happen in my life, just little hiccups. I would equate it to a toddler trying to learn to walk, they get up, fall down, get up, fall down, and because they fall so much they don't get very far very fast. That's how I feel a lot of the time.

Then there's the classic fall for a guy....which I have also found myself doing one or two times. Then I always end up once again disappointed and well that sucks. Being a hopeful and an optimist I can't help but want to see the best in people... I want to love unconditionally and I want the same in return, in the process I tend to disregard classic "red flags."

But that's just me and that's who I am. I can't help it as much as I try. Yeah, I get hurt sometimes, but I'm able to get back up from it and at least I can say that I tried. I can't help but want to see the best in everyone. Maybe it's the challenge I like, the problem solving.

So maybe I won't always be The Girl Who Fell Too Much, but for now I am and I'm okay with that.

Back to Show this World What I Got

I'm back...It's been nearly two years since I've blogged. A lot has happened and nothing at all at the same time. I'm still working part time at CAP and I also do a little work for a tutoring company. Life is okay, but it is definitely a struggle. Every time I think I'm going to get out of this rut, well I don't quite make it, but I'm not giving up. I know that I have potential and I still have my hopes of being a big event planner. Slowly I'm getting more and more experience and I know one day it's all going to fall into place. I just need to stay diligent and stay positive, not many people become a success over night.

So moving on to why I originally started this blog "The Girl Who Fell Too Much" to talk about my dating life and share with other people the trials and tribulations of the crazy dating world. So what has happened in that category in the past 30 months... Well, I've been on a few dates that as you can see didn't go anywhere. I was dating a guy for about 5 or 6 months and I thought there was some REAL potential there. BUT just like many other things it had to come to an end. In hindsight I'm really happy I ended it when I did and I know now that it wasn't the right relationship for me. I have to say though that I did learn a lot about myself and I also learned how to communicate in a way I never thought I could and that was really awesome.

There is a person I have a crush on that I was considering pursuing. Through hearsay I heard he may be interest in me as well, BUT if he's not asking you out "He's NOT that into you." So it is what it is. For now I'm going to work on the aspect of me a little more and less making an "US" with someone else. Maybe, just maybe it happens when you least expect.

Well I know this blog is a little blah, but I'm still just getting into the groove of writing again.

Farewell and goodnight from The Girl Forever Willing to Fall One More Time