So I think every good writer should write a drunk blog. Because it will truely show their real self. And of course I am a very good writer, so whether I am drunk or not...this will be an amazing blog.
I started to write a blog earlier...when I was not drunk, but I got distracted. I really love writing and I am very happy that I got a job doing public relations. Even though I used to think that I was a terrible writer. But I now think that I am a pretty darn good writer. I know I'm not a phenonmenal writer, but I think that I am worth reading. I think my life experience is insightful and that I have something wise to teach the world. I also think that if you don't agree with me that you can shove it. J/k. I think that you can just not read this blog and let it be.
I am a nice person. I really am. I try my darndest to treat people how I would want to be treated. I also think that I also try to see the best in people and in the process my heart gets stomped on. But I just pick it up, put it right back into my chest, and give it away to some else. Sometimes the same thing happens, but I just pick it right back up again.
I think that everyone wants and deserves to be loved and treated well. I also believe in order to commit to that love it takes some time and commitment. With that goes sacrefices. But if that person is really worth it you will make the effort. I am a gracious, caring, happy, funny, lively, outgoing, exciting, amazing, hardworking, dedicated person. I deserve the best. And those who have me must be worthy.
This is probabley a bunch of gibberish cause of the alcohol. But oh well....because I am a amazing writer.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I Know this is the Ego Talking
I started to type this blog to realize that I had not put my contacts in yet. So I got up walked to the bathroom and told myself, "It's really hard to write with no vision." You can quote me on that. That insight has not much to do with the intention of this blog, but it does have have to do with my motivation for writing.
Normally, I take a very logically and sensible approach to my blogs. I try to take all the knowledge I have learned and apply it to my everyday life in order to find a better understanding. But despite my efforts to not be an emotional person and not let my ego overwhelm me with its needs, I feel compelled to write a more emotional blog. I am going to give my emotions the satisfaction of this blog and then let it go.
Even now, when I'm trying to really embrace and fully feel my emotion, I can't. Many of times I get down ridden and I just want to cry and I, for the life of, me can't. My thinking that some how if I cry then through that process my emotions will escape me and I will be free. But I have conditioned myself to be strong and I can't cry.
Today, I'm not so much sad, or disappointed. I don't feel damaged or attacked. I just feel alone and well unstimulated. This morning when I woke up in my bed all by myself I did not have a reason to get up. No one by my side to kiss good morning. No one to hug and feel connected with. Just me...to figure out the day by myself. Just like Dr. Seuss Says, "All...alone whether you like it or not. Alone is something you'll be quite a lot." Here I am all alone. At the age of 25 I imagined myself married and with child. But the process of life has failed me and my dreams. I'm okay with it. I am grateful that I do not have children and I am able to experience the freedoms that I have. Also, I know that a child would be a financial burden that at this time I could not bear. I have just started my career and I could use a few years to really get my foot in the door and create long-lasting and stable finances.
No, I don't want kids. But I do want someone to start a relationship with--someone reliable, someone I can share all aspects of my life with. Someone to just be there for me no matter what. Sometimes I think that if there is a God he teases us. He gives us a tiny little glimpse of what we can have and then he denies it to us. Here's this magical wonderful weekend with a man, but his going to live on the other side of the state. Here's this fun exhilarating night with this other man, but he lives 5 hours away as well. Here is this man only 10 miles away from you, but he is unavailable because he has more important things other than me.
Well I am important dammit and you should give me some attention. Again, I know that this is my ego speaking and that I can be fully successful and have a fulfilling life without a man. But seriously...It would be nice to have one. Really. I have learn to be less judgmental and accept people. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Everyone deserves to be loved including me and him. I've given up trying to think that there is this magical one. Rather I believe that the one is the one you choose it to be. He is the one you put all your negative feelings aside for and only feel adoration and love for. I can do that. I am ready. Love is a challenge and I WILL conquer you.
Normally, I take a very logically and sensible approach to my blogs. I try to take all the knowledge I have learned and apply it to my everyday life in order to find a better understanding. But despite my efforts to not be an emotional person and not let my ego overwhelm me with its needs, I feel compelled to write a more emotional blog. I am going to give my emotions the satisfaction of this blog and then let it go.
Even now, when I'm trying to really embrace and fully feel my emotion, I can't. Many of times I get down ridden and I just want to cry and I, for the life of, me can't. My thinking that some how if I cry then through that process my emotions will escape me and I will be free. But I have conditioned myself to be strong and I can't cry.
Today, I'm not so much sad, or disappointed. I don't feel damaged or attacked. I just feel alone and well unstimulated. This morning when I woke up in my bed all by myself I did not have a reason to get up. No one by my side to kiss good morning. No one to hug and feel connected with. Just me...to figure out the day by myself. Just like Dr. Seuss Says, "All...alone whether you like it or not. Alone is something you'll be quite a lot." Here I am all alone. At the age of 25 I imagined myself married and with child. But the process of life has failed me and my dreams. I'm okay with it. I am grateful that I do not have children and I am able to experience the freedoms that I have. Also, I know that a child would be a financial burden that at this time I could not bear. I have just started my career and I could use a few years to really get my foot in the door and create long-lasting and stable finances.
No, I don't want kids. But I do want someone to start a relationship with--someone reliable, someone I can share all aspects of my life with. Someone to just be there for me no matter what. Sometimes I think that if there is a God he teases us. He gives us a tiny little glimpse of what we can have and then he denies it to us. Here's this magical wonderful weekend with a man, but his going to live on the other side of the state. Here's this fun exhilarating night with this other man, but he lives 5 hours away as well. Here is this man only 10 miles away from you, but he is unavailable because he has more important things other than me.
Well I am important dammit and you should give me some attention. Again, I know that this is my ego speaking and that I can be fully successful and have a fulfilling life without a man. But seriously...It would be nice to have one. Really. I have learn to be less judgmental and accept people. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Everyone deserves to be loved including me and him. I've given up trying to think that there is this magical one. Rather I believe that the one is the one you choose it to be. He is the one you put all your negative feelings aside for and only feel adoration and love for. I can do that. I am ready. Love is a challenge and I WILL conquer you.
Monday, November 15, 2010
When You Stop Judging and Start Listening
Judging, what is it? It's YOUR perception of something. Many people while observing something tend to create an opinion of that thing, person, event or behavior they are observing. They especially tend to do this when the action challenges or goes against something they believe in.
But first let's look at what a belief is. It's an idea that our brains come up with from experience. We had fun as a child when we ate ice cream at the fair, so we believe ice cream and fairs are good. We had a dog attack us when we were a young child, so dogs are bad. It's all perception and it is nearly impossible for any two people to have the same perception because they have had entirely different experiences and circumstances.
After reading Eckhart Tolle's both "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" I realize that I need to be more accepting of what is and in order to accept I must not judge. I also realize that many of my reactions are emotion based and irrationally triggered by the ego's defense. Furthermore, I learned that you need to learn not to react.
About a month ago my ex-boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. I chose to let bygones be bygones and to forgive him for the crap that went down a long... 4 years ago when we were probably both very immature. He kept trying to talk to me and I kept trying to ignore him. But he kept popping up. So I gave in and talk to him. He asked if my mom was still trying to hook me up. I told him I dunno kind of. So he offered to set me up, which was his sly way of just asking me out, which I quickly figured out.
He said something really insightful to me. Something along the lines of I don't know if I should set you up, you're just going to try and find something you don't like about him and be unhappy. He actually was kind of partially right. I am so judgmental sometimes. So this guy takes me out on a date. I'm still very guarded about him because in the past I felt like our relationship was sexual based and that was his main motive for dating me.
We talked after we went on the date through text and IM and he's made some comments such as "Let's have sex." and I replied simply with "No." I wanted so bad to get pissed off and shout and him and tell him that I am not a piece of meat to screw and I am a person and you should get to know me better. I wanted to rant about respect or people never change on Facebook. But you know what I did. I did nothing and I continued to talk to him.
I know what you're thinking, Carrie your a moron--this guy is an ass. But I was not going to judge. I also wasn't going to let him have sex with me, so I knew that I could not be used if I didn't let anything happen. I also thought that he wants a reactions and I'm not going to give it to him. Let's surprise him--be different than other girls.
He asked me to hang out last night. I was bored and thought it would really be nice to actual get to enjoy a movie with a male for once and maybe even cuddle. I was hesitant to say yes because I was afraid to put myself in a situation where I would have to say no. But you know what happened I went over there, we snuggle a little and we kissed. That was it. He didn't try anything sexual with me.
So this guy is different. He's guarded and hard to get information out of. He doesn't talk very much. Sometimes he says strange thing like about a gold-digging whore, which he mentioned last night. Then tonight we said something about money buying sluts. I said sluts are free and he said not the gold digger ones. That was the second time he used that word. So I confronted him. I have a feeling you've had bad experience with gold diggers and he reply was, "Houses are slut magnets." That's when it all connected. So just for the sake of legal reasons I am not a doctor, a psychologist, therapist, or any professional in the mental medical field, but I think I've got him figured out. Oh did I mention that after he left and behaved so well he text me and said "You wanted sex, don't lie." and I replied with just "Nope." Then he said told me, "Well thanks for keeping me and my bed company."
This is my assessment. I think that he is afraid of getting used for his money. He must have had experiences where girls wanted to date him because he owned his own house and has a good job. He is afraid because of his past experiences and that girls are out to use him. Just like I was afraid that he is out for sex. Maybe the sexual comments are not about him wanting sex, but him testing me. Or he thinks that all the other girls threw themselves at him in bed so so will I. I think that he has the potential to be a sweet, very kind, person to date, but he doesn't want to get too close because he will get hurt. I don't believe that he is bad person. I think that he has had some experiences in his past that has conditioned him to behave this way. I think that deep down he wants something real. I mean really being slutty is just a person way of feeling a void. I think that I would not have figured any of this out if I did not stop judging and start listening. People might do or say things that you don't agree with, but remember there is a reason for it. Just as you have found your beliefs and habits, so have they. Next time someone does something to upset you stop and be conscious about it. Don't react. Just accept it. If you need to reply say, "Okay." or "Is that so?" or "Oh really?" These are non-emotional reactions and show that you don't disagree or agree, but just accept what they say as their truth.
I think there is so much to gain from doing this and encourage everyone to practice it in your daily life. I feel like I am better friend now because I am able to see past deeper than my own opinion and see the root and heart of people. Maybe I'm wrong about this guy, only time will tell I suppose, but I think that good things will come of it. :)
But first let's look at what a belief is. It's an idea that our brains come up with from experience. We had fun as a child when we ate ice cream at the fair, so we believe ice cream and fairs are good. We had a dog attack us when we were a young child, so dogs are bad. It's all perception and it is nearly impossible for any two people to have the same perception because they have had entirely different experiences and circumstances.
After reading Eckhart Tolle's both "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" I realize that I need to be more accepting of what is and in order to accept I must not judge. I also realize that many of my reactions are emotion based and irrationally triggered by the ego's defense. Furthermore, I learned that you need to learn not to react.
About a month ago my ex-boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. I chose to let bygones be bygones and to forgive him for the crap that went down a long... 4 years ago when we were probably both very immature. He kept trying to talk to me and I kept trying to ignore him. But he kept popping up. So I gave in and talk to him. He asked if my mom was still trying to hook me up. I told him I dunno kind of. So he offered to set me up, which was his sly way of just asking me out, which I quickly figured out.
He said something really insightful to me. Something along the lines of I don't know if I should set you up, you're just going to try and find something you don't like about him and be unhappy. He actually was kind of partially right. I am so judgmental sometimes. So this guy takes me out on a date. I'm still very guarded about him because in the past I felt like our relationship was sexual based and that was his main motive for dating me.
We talked after we went on the date through text and IM and he's made some comments such as "Let's have sex." and I replied simply with "No." I wanted so bad to get pissed off and shout and him and tell him that I am not a piece of meat to screw and I am a person and you should get to know me better. I wanted to rant about respect or people never change on Facebook. But you know what I did. I did nothing and I continued to talk to him.
I know what you're thinking, Carrie your a moron--this guy is an ass. But I was not going to judge. I also wasn't going to let him have sex with me, so I knew that I could not be used if I didn't let anything happen. I also thought that he wants a reactions and I'm not going to give it to him. Let's surprise him--be different than other girls.
He asked me to hang out last night. I was bored and thought it would really be nice to actual get to enjoy a movie with a male for once and maybe even cuddle. I was hesitant to say yes because I was afraid to put myself in a situation where I would have to say no. But you know what happened I went over there, we snuggle a little and we kissed. That was it. He didn't try anything sexual with me.
So this guy is different. He's guarded and hard to get information out of. He doesn't talk very much. Sometimes he says strange thing like about a gold-digging whore, which he mentioned last night. Then tonight we said something about money buying sluts. I said sluts are free and he said not the gold digger ones. That was the second time he used that word. So I confronted him. I have a feeling you've had bad experience with gold diggers and he reply was, "Houses are slut magnets." That's when it all connected. So just for the sake of legal reasons I am not a doctor, a psychologist, therapist, or any professional in the mental medical field, but I think I've got him figured out. Oh did I mention that after he left and behaved so well he text me and said "You wanted sex, don't lie." and I replied with just "Nope." Then he said told me, "Well thanks for keeping me and my bed company."
This is my assessment. I think that he is afraid of getting used for his money. He must have had experiences where girls wanted to date him because he owned his own house and has a good job. He is afraid because of his past experiences and that girls are out to use him. Just like I was afraid that he is out for sex. Maybe the sexual comments are not about him wanting sex, but him testing me. Or he thinks that all the other girls threw themselves at him in bed so so will I. I think that he has the potential to be a sweet, very kind, person to date, but he doesn't want to get too close because he will get hurt. I don't believe that he is bad person. I think that he has had some experiences in his past that has conditioned him to behave this way. I think that deep down he wants something real. I mean really being slutty is just a person way of feeling a void. I think that I would not have figured any of this out if I did not stop judging and start listening. People might do or say things that you don't agree with, but remember there is a reason for it. Just as you have found your beliefs and habits, so have they. Next time someone does something to upset you stop and be conscious about it. Don't react. Just accept it. If you need to reply say, "Okay." or "Is that so?" or "Oh really?" These are non-emotional reactions and show that you don't disagree or agree, but just accept what they say as their truth.
I think there is so much to gain from doing this and encourage everyone to practice it in your daily life. I feel like I am better friend now because I am able to see past deeper than my own opinion and see the root and heart of people. Maybe I'm wrong about this guy, only time will tell I suppose, but I think that good things will come of it. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Plane Dream
So I had a dream I was in a plane, this was no ordinary plane it was one ginormous HUGE plane. It was kind more like a ship out of Star Trek where there's different levels and different sections. So I was in this plane and me and some other people were on our way to somewhere. I'm not sure where. But we're walking down this hallway and all of a sudden the plane dives and turn perpendicular and we are falling down this hallway. The plane feels like it is spiraling down and we're headed to crash. I think to myself this is it, I'm going to die, because of course who survives that kind of plane crash??? But the plane doesn't smash into the ground. The section on the plane that I'm in manages to break off and it comes sliding at an angle down to the ground and it stops. We are able to get out and we were incredibly shaken up and scared and bruise and hurt. But we were alive.
My assessment of this dream is that there's a gonna be a rough patch in my life. A crazy turmoil part briefly and then it's going to come down and I'm going to be okay. I think this dream means that I'm going to get a second chance... I could use a new start at life! Not that my life is bad, but I think it would be refreshing to change things up and just go a different route.
My assessment of this dream is that there's a gonna be a rough patch in my life. A crazy turmoil part briefly and then it's going to come down and I'm going to be okay. I think this dream means that I'm going to get a second chance... I could use a new start at life! Not that my life is bad, but I think it would be refreshing to change things up and just go a different route.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Steam-To be continued...
I am so effing tired beyond belief right now. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday and woke up on the other wrong side of the bed today. I have so much shit running through my head and I just can't shut it off. I know I need to for the sake of my blood pressure and my overall well being. I got a massage last night at the school and my body feels even worse today. It definitely is not have a "hurt-so-good" feeling right now. It sucks so bad that I'm even considering taking some heavy drugs--not the illegal kind. Don't worry! But I wouldn't mind having some muscle relaxers and perhaps a 500 milligram of Vikadin.
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