Friday, September 24, 2010
Forgive Me if I'm Wrong
Being in love with me means fighting for me. It's means doing whatever it takes to be with me. It's means trying your hardest to talk to me and maintain communication with me. Being in love with me means going above and beyond to make sure I'm happy. It means providing for me and taking care of me. It means doing whatever it takes to see me as much as possible. Being in love with me means liking me during my high and low times--when I'm happy and when I'm sad. It means supporting me in all my endeavors. It means encouraging me to succeed and go after my dreams. Being in love with me is so much more than words in a text message. Being in LOVE--real LOVE is actions. Words are just something that comes out of your mouth. A three year old is capable of saying I'm in love with you... But without evidence, proof, action... Telling me you're in love with me is just a bunch of effing BULLSHIT. There is no evidence to prove your words and so I call your bluff. Love the truly one and only...amazing Carrie J. Holt
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Ultimate Act
When I was around 9 years old I made a dream catcher in girl scouts. It was beautiful with beads and bright pink and purple feather dangling at the end, because pink and purple were, of course, at the age on 9 were my favorite colors. My troop leader told me that the dream catcher works because of the web in the middle. All the dreams in my head would first pass through the dream catcher and it would capture all the bad dreams in the web and only let free the good ones. Understanding the concept of a spider web this seem to make much sense. (If your are not familiar with dream catchers they are actually a Native American creation and tradition.)
I remember the first night I put up my dream catcher and I remember the dream I had. I know you are thinking this is a little crazy, because how can you remember something so intricate that happened somewhere around 15 years year ago. This dream, this one dream I could never forget. I was playing in my backyard, at my parents house of course. I was playing near the swing set. Then all of a sudden these bad guys came to hurt me and I wasn't safe. Then this man, this older man, he may have not been very old but of course many people were older than me when I was 9. This man came and swooped me up and put me on top of my swing set, which somehow magically transformed into having a roof rather than a large wooden pole across the top. Then I was safe. But the man fighting off the intruders was killed and I was sad. But I was so grateful for his protection and bravery. He would be dubbed forever in my head my Prince. Prince became a friend of mine, an imaginary friend. Although he was killed in my dream he was still very alive in my head. I know it's a little strange at the old of an age to have an imaginary friend, but I didn't care. There would be many days when I had no friends to play with and my older brother and his friends were not convinced I was a boy even when I dressed up in my brother's boy clothes and pretended to be boy. They were too smart to go for it. Hey! It was worth a try. "Go away Carrie," they would say and I would replied, "How'd ya know it was me?"
So Prince was my companion. It was fairly odd of my to have an imaginary friend at this age and it was even more out of character that he was a boy. Growing up I was very very shy around boys and always took better to the females. I didn't have anything in common with boys and they always wanted to play rough. I was small and dainty and just wanted to play house. Prince wasn't always around, just from time to time when I got bored. He was my savior and my friend and I knew no matter what that he would be there to make me laugh and take care of me. He made me feel not so alone. So I constructed this theory that the image of my Prince that I dream of that one day in my dreams would be the man that I would married. He would be the one person in this world not related to me that would do anything and everything from my well being, even if that meant dying. I don't think I expect much from a mate. Having a connection is probably one of the most important things. Of course you have to admire that person and appreciate their qualities. The one thing I need to be absolutely sure that he is the one is The Ultimate Act. An act so daring so brave so instinctual such as my Prince did in my dream. I need that person to do something that goes above and beyond what I expected of him to show me how much he loves me. Maybe I have watched too many love stories, but I believe in that incredible unbelievable kind of love that will make you cross oceans for them. I believe in the run to the airport and stop you from moving away love. I believe in throw rocks at my window and confess your undying love in person love. So here I wait for that ultimate act. Sometime I just don't know if I'm supposed to sit here and do nothing and pray it happens or if I should just give up, because life is not Romeo and Juliet and it's not like the movies. Life doesn't end at the end of movie and that leaves it open for so many more things to happen both bad and good. Because what happens after that act? Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that dream was just a way to show me that my bad dreams can go away and good dreams and good things will happen to me. I can't help but still wait for my Prince.
Like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill says, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, ask him to love her." And so I wait.
I remember the first night I put up my dream catcher and I remember the dream I had. I know you are thinking this is a little crazy, because how can you remember something so intricate that happened somewhere around 15 years year ago. This dream, this one dream I could never forget. I was playing in my backyard, at my parents house of course. I was playing near the swing set. Then all of a sudden these bad guys came to hurt me and I wasn't safe. Then this man, this older man, he may have not been very old but of course many people were older than me when I was 9. This man came and swooped me up and put me on top of my swing set, which somehow magically transformed into having a roof rather than a large wooden pole across the top. Then I was safe. But the man fighting off the intruders was killed and I was sad. But I was so grateful for his protection and bravery. He would be dubbed forever in my head my Prince. Prince became a friend of mine, an imaginary friend. Although he was killed in my dream he was still very alive in my head. I know it's a little strange at the old of an age to have an imaginary friend, but I didn't care. There would be many days when I had no friends to play with and my older brother and his friends were not convinced I was a boy even when I dressed up in my brother's boy clothes and pretended to be boy. They were too smart to go for it. Hey! It was worth a try. "Go away Carrie," they would say and I would replied, "How'd ya know it was me?"
So Prince was my companion. It was fairly odd of my to have an imaginary friend at this age and it was even more out of character that he was a boy. Growing up I was very very shy around boys and always took better to the females. I didn't have anything in common with boys and they always wanted to play rough. I was small and dainty and just wanted to play house. Prince wasn't always around, just from time to time when I got bored. He was my savior and my friend and I knew no matter what that he would be there to make me laugh and take care of me. He made me feel not so alone. So I constructed this theory that the image of my Prince that I dream of that one day in my dreams would be the man that I would married. He would be the one person in this world not related to me that would do anything and everything from my well being, even if that meant dying. I don't think I expect much from a mate. Having a connection is probably one of the most important things. Of course you have to admire that person and appreciate their qualities. The one thing I need to be absolutely sure that he is the one is The Ultimate Act. An act so daring so brave so instinctual such as my Prince did in my dream. I need that person to do something that goes above and beyond what I expected of him to show me how much he loves me. Maybe I have watched too many love stories, but I believe in that incredible unbelievable kind of love that will make you cross oceans for them. I believe in the run to the airport and stop you from moving away love. I believe in throw rocks at my window and confess your undying love in person love. So here I wait for that ultimate act. Sometime I just don't know if I'm supposed to sit here and do nothing and pray it happens or if I should just give up, because life is not Romeo and Juliet and it's not like the movies. Life doesn't end at the end of movie and that leaves it open for so many more things to happen both bad and good. Because what happens after that act? Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Maybe that dream was just a way to show me that my bad dreams can go away and good dreams and good things will happen to me. I can't help but still wait for my Prince.
Like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill says, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, ask him to love her." And so I wait.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Stronger than Yesterday
God Bless American... We all go through trials and tribulations in life all reaching for the American Dream. Great plays and novels such as A Raisin in the Sun by Loraine Hansberry, or August Wilson Fences, understood that for some life is one big struggle to try and get ahead. Then once we get ahead we just want to go further. No one wants to regress, because to regress in life is to fail. My most recent mantra is a twist on the famous "Failure is not an option." I prefer in my usage of language to always choose the more positive noun or adjective, hence my creation "Success is the only option." Not sure if I came up with it, so my apologize to those who may have used it prior to myself.
So I keep telling myself this and I'm trying to believe that I can get ahead and make that next step in my life, but I have found that somehow I have become just more and more stressed and that somehow I am in this horrible unresolvable predicament. Myself being "the appeaser"--trying to making everyone happy--is the one whose going to end up screwed in the end. Seven years of school and I, for the life of me, can't solve this problem. If I can't solve it then I may have to give up part of my American Dream and take a few steps back. I know I don't have much to show for it, but I do work hard and I willing to keep working hard in order to reach my goals. The only problem is I really don't have a map of where in the world I should work towards and what in the heck I should be doing.
Throughout my life I have survived on making other people happy. Look at me I've been in the service industry for nearly a decade now and that's exactly what I do. Would you like more soda, what would you like to eat, what else can I get for you? No one ever ask me at my job what I want, what I need?
I am truly grateful for my job and the fact that I am able to make such great tips. I'm just using this as an example of a theme of my life. I'm the type of person who likes buying gifts and I probably spend a little more out of my budget because I don't want to be the cheap one or I want to get something really extra special for that person. If you've read "The 5 Love Languages" one of my top love language is giving gifts. What I'm trying to say is I tend to put others before myself, which I suppose is an admirable trait, but I think it's time to ask what does Carrie need?
I'm the appeaser I try to make things fair for everyone, but in the process I sacrifices a lot for myself. Again, I'm not trying to be ungrateful in any sense, but I think it's time I stepped up to the plate and start standing up for myself. I haven't been getting ahead behaving the way I have been, so maybe it's time to make a change. I'm not planning on being a crazy cut-throat b*itch (pardon me but I felt the expression was necessary), but I think Carrie needs to grows some balls and become a bit more competitive. Hey this is a start! Look at me I used the expression "grow some balls," which is very not me, but I felt like it's something Elizabeth Gilbert would use in her book "Eat, Pray, Love." Side note:Just because I enjoyed the book doesn't mean that I'm going to go on some crazy sabbatical to Italy and I don't have husband to leave obviously. What I'm trying to say is I need to be more of Christina Yang on Grey's Anatomy and right I'm totally a Meredith Grey's I'm "messy" and "damage"--seriously! This is my first serious heart-felt blog and I have to say I'm getting a kick of out making all this reference to pop culture and whatnot.
All of those who know me know I'm a true girlie girl at heart and well three of my current passion are Grey's Anatomy, food, and giving blood. So now knowing this things about me hopefully my blog will make much more sense.
I started writing tonight in the spirit that it is now officially 9/11/10. (Should I write that in AP style? Nah... I see it as 9/11/10) I wanted to...I wanted to... somehow take my God awful day and somehow use 9/11 to put my life into prospective. I wanted to find the silver lining as they would say. But somehow I found the truth about myself--I'm a pushover. I'm not trying to point fingers or say that anyone has particularly used me, but as my parents told me tonight I'm too nice. Is that an oxymoron??? I would think it could be. I'm too nice and I end up losing in the end. Well, America you are the land of opportunity and the land of the oh-so-great capitalism and in order to live the American Dream you MUST be able to compete. So I thank you great nation for your opportunities and I just want to say that I'm in the race and I'm ready to compete. I will not let anyone get me down. I don't know how yet, but I will get ahead. I have to be, I will be a fighter. Success is my ONLY option. I wish you all the best in the American Dream. I believe we can all win and that there is enough resources for us all to flourish, but something worth having is worth fighting for. God Bless American and our soldiers. May our nation stay protected on this 10th anniversary of 9/11. I hope that this blog can help some of you out there reassess yourself and see the detriment of your character. Don't ever stop being you, but you can always be the better version of you.
Sincerely with love, hope and gratitude,
Carrie J. Holt
So I keep telling myself this and I'm trying to believe that I can get ahead and make that next step in my life, but I have found that somehow I have become just more and more stressed and that somehow I am in this horrible unresolvable predicament. Myself being "the appeaser"--trying to making everyone happy--is the one whose going to end up screwed in the end. Seven years of school and I, for the life of me, can't solve this problem. If I can't solve it then I may have to give up part of my American Dream and take a few steps back. I know I don't have much to show for it, but I do work hard and I willing to keep working hard in order to reach my goals. The only problem is I really don't have a map of where in the world I should work towards and what in the heck I should be doing.
Throughout my life I have survived on making other people happy. Look at me I've been in the service industry for nearly a decade now and that's exactly what I do. Would you like more soda, what would you like to eat, what else can I get for you? No one ever ask me at my job what I want, what I need?
I am truly grateful for my job and the fact that I am able to make such great tips. I'm just using this as an example of a theme of my life. I'm the type of person who likes buying gifts and I probably spend a little more out of my budget because I don't want to be the cheap one or I want to get something really extra special for that person. If you've read "The 5 Love Languages" one of my top love language is giving gifts. What I'm trying to say is I tend to put others before myself, which I suppose is an admirable trait, but I think it's time to ask what does Carrie need?
I'm the appeaser I try to make things fair for everyone, but in the process I sacrifices a lot for myself. Again, I'm not trying to be ungrateful in any sense, but I think it's time I stepped up to the plate and start standing up for myself. I haven't been getting ahead behaving the way I have been, so maybe it's time to make a change. I'm not planning on being a crazy cut-throat b*itch (pardon me but I felt the expression was necessary), but I think Carrie needs to grows some balls and become a bit more competitive. Hey this is a start! Look at me I used the expression "grow some balls," which is very not me, but I felt like it's something Elizabeth Gilbert would use in her book "Eat, Pray, Love." Side note:Just because I enjoyed the book doesn't mean that I'm going to go on some crazy sabbatical to Italy and I don't have husband to leave obviously. What I'm trying to say is I need to be more of Christina Yang on Grey's Anatomy and right I'm totally a Meredith Grey's I'm "messy" and "damage"--seriously! This is my first serious heart-felt blog and I have to say I'm getting a kick of out making all this reference to pop culture and whatnot.
All of those who know me know I'm a true girlie girl at heart and well three of my current passion are Grey's Anatomy, food, and giving blood. So now knowing this things about me hopefully my blog will make much more sense.
I started writing tonight in the spirit that it is now officially 9/11/10. (Should I write that in AP style? Nah... I see it as 9/11/10) I wanted to...I wanted to... somehow take my God awful day and somehow use 9/11 to put my life into prospective. I wanted to find the silver lining as they would say. But somehow I found the truth about myself--I'm a pushover. I'm not trying to point fingers or say that anyone has particularly used me, but as my parents told me tonight I'm too nice. Is that an oxymoron??? I would think it could be. I'm too nice and I end up losing in the end. Well, America you are the land of opportunity and the land of the oh-so-great capitalism and in order to live the American Dream you MUST be able to compete. So I thank you great nation for your opportunities and I just want to say that I'm in the race and I'm ready to compete. I will not let anyone get me down. I don't know how yet, but I will get ahead. I have to be, I will be a fighter. Success is my ONLY option. I wish you all the best in the American Dream. I believe we can all win and that there is enough resources for us all to flourish, but something worth having is worth fighting for. God Bless American and our soldiers. May our nation stay protected on this 10th anniversary of 9/11. I hope that this blog can help some of you out there reassess yourself and see the detriment of your character. Don't ever stop being you, but you can always be the better version of you.
Sincerely with love, hope and gratitude,
Carrie J. Holt
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